


Mirror Image

by Enmy



Category: Kaze to Ki no Uta | Song of Wind and Trees
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 39,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29048184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enmy/pseuds/Enmy
Summary: There's a new student at Laconblade Academy. Will he gain Gilbert's trust or he will just fall in Gilbert's trap like everyone else?
Relationships: Serge Battour/Gilbert Cocteau
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Angel of the Sun

Chapter 1 - Angel of the Sun

I don't regret choosing Laconblade over the school in my home town in fact I'm quite happy to get away from my aunt for a while. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what she did for me over the years ever since she took me out of that orphanage but sometimes she overdoes it with her parties. I don't like being in the center of attention at her parties and most of all I don't like it when people don't say what they have to say straight to me.

I am half gipsy and most people avoid me because of that. My aunt's friends don't do that and they are nice to me but behind my back they talk just like everyone else. That's why I like Laconblade. I don't have many true friends here either, only two, but they not only proved to me that they accept me the way I am, they also proved that they will support my decisions.

My friends are in the same class as I am, though they are both older than I am. Karl Meiser is B Hall's dormitory dean and also my room mate while Pascal Biquet is the oldest boy in our class. For some reason he repeats classes all the time, first I thought it was because of Latin since Pascal doesn't find any importance for this language but then I noticed he was quite good at it, so Pascal is still a mystery to me.

Karl, Pascal and I are almost inseparable. I said almost because Karl has responsibilities as dorm dean and Pascal likes to do his researches alone but in class and during our free time or even when we study we're together.

My friends are not the only reason I like Laconblade though. There is always something going on here so one can never get bored. There is this mysterious student in our class, a student I've never seen during my first week here, a student I want to get to know.

Everyone talks about him but nobody speaks his name and they all stay away from room 17 which is his. He never came to class, church or breakfast and I wonder why. When I asked Karl and Pascal about him I managed to make Pascal tell me his name (since Karl didn't want to talk about him) and a few things about him. Ever since that conversation I wanted to know everything about Gilbert Cocteau but no one really knows him so I made a priority out of getting to know him better and who knows, maybe making a new friend.

Yesterday I told my friends about my decision and Pascal said that he finds Gilbert fascinating but Karl said nothing. I noticed that something was bothering him though, something he didn't want to say in front of Pascal.

That evening, when we were both alone in our room, he spoke for the first time about Gilbert.

"Serge?" he started without looking at me.

"Yes?"

"I think we should talk about Gilbert. You are new here and you don't know much about this school and I think it's time for me to tell you the truth, as a friend. You should stay away from Gilbert. I think I understand why you are so interested in him but you should be careful."

"He doesn't seem to have many friends and everyone I know in this school talks badly about him. I don't think anyone deserves that." When he turned around I could see that he was worried, he looked like he had just failed an important mission.

"I don't know Gilbert very well but his behavior is the most unacceptable. He's a prostitute Serge he is ready to sell his body to anyone for anything, even to men. How do you think he passes in school? He buys his papers from the upperclassmen and the passing grades from the teachers." I was shocked. This was the first time Karl talked to me strait about this subject.

"There must be a reason for his behavior" I answered, but I wasn't entirely convinced by my own words. "Maybe he needs help, maybe he just needs friends…I…I know how he feels if that's the case."

"I'm just asking you to think about it. Promise me you'll do that!"

"I promise." I turned the light off and lay in my bed. I tried to sleep but my mind was drifting away to the first time I saw Gilbert.

Last Sunday, after the morning mass, professor Watts asked me to join him for a cup of tea in his study. He wanted to talk to me about my father and that made me happy. I wanted to find out more about him and since my aunt never spoke to me about him, professor Watts might me my only hope.

You see, my father died when I was only three and my mother followed him one year later so I don't remember him very well. I remember that he liked to play the piano and that he was very talented.

When I was little I used to sit on top of the piano and watch him play. That's one of the few things I still remember about those days.

After mother died I was sent to an orphanage and then my aunt got me out of there.

After I left professor Watts I went strait to the dorm building to join Karl and Pascal in the common room, but on my way there something got my attention. A group of boys was gathered in a circle around something that sounded like a fighting scene. I wasn't sure. I couldn't see too well. I heard someone shouting and I recognized the voice. It was Blough, one of the older students.

I ran closer and made my way through the crowd and then I saw Blough hitting Jacques in his stomach. There was also a third boy on the ground, he was bleeding. I took out my handkerchief and gave it to him then I wanted to help him stand but he just ignored me. He stood up and left with me following him then he stopped for a second and looked me in the eyes.

It was just for a second but it seemed like an eternity. With the wind in his golden hair and with those cold green eyes he looked like an angel of the sun. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak I couldn't even breathe so I just glared at him until he disappeared in the dorm building.

I wonder when I would get to see Gilbert again. I want to know more about him. What is behind that rebellious behavior? What are those sad eyes hiding?


	2. Gilbert

Chapter 2 - Gilbert

I haven't seen Gilbert since then. I want to look for him but I don't know where to find him and I can't just enter his room without his permission. All I can do is wait…

I take my books and notes and decide to go in the forest and study. Karl had to go to town right after class and Pascal said that he'll do his homework later, so it's just me for now.

It's a nice and warm day and it would be a shame to spend it indoors when I can stay outside in the tranquility of the forest so I look around for a nice spot.

I sit down by a tree, open my book and start reading aloud. I like reading aloud. It helps me memorize things easier so I do it whenever I know that I don't disturb anyone.

"Will you keep it down? I'm not interested in your babbling."

I look around to see who was talking to me. I didn't notice anyone there when I came so I presumed I was alone. It seems that I was wrong. Suddenly I see something moving in the bushes and I run to check it out. I gasp as I see Gilbert lying there with his hands and feet tied up. I do my best to untie him as fast as possible since I have no idea how long he has been lying there or how hurt he is. After I finish I give him a hand to help him stand but he ignores it once again.

"What happened to you?" I ask and I know that I sounded worried….too worried maybe but I don't care.

"You should mind your own business."

His voice is cold. It feels like thousands of daggers piercing through my heart and I can't help it but feel hurt. I want to run away, far from him but I can't. My body won't do what my mind tells it to. Instead I grab his hand as he turns to leave.

"No" I shout "Not until you tell me who did this to you."

It sounded like a demand though I didn't mean it to sound like that. Or maybe I did. I tighten my grasp on his hand and I wonder if it hurts him but I'm afraid to loosen it. Gilbert is stubborn and I don't see any other way to make him understand that I want to help him.

I look at his face and I see him frown so I realize that I'm hurting him but he doesn't say anything. I expect him to pull up his hand from my grasp but he doesn't, instead he comes closer to me.

His chest is touching mine and my instincts tell me to step back but he keeps on coming closer, leaning on me. I let go of his hand but he just uses the opportunity to grab mine. His grip isn't strong though, it isn't meant to restrain me but it makes me feel uneasy for some reason.

I make another step back, and another, and another…..I can't go back anymore. I find myself pined in a tree and Gilbert is still coming closer. He is so close now that I can feel his warm breath against my cheek. My heart is beating fast and I can't breathe anymore. I freeze. He leans on me and whispers into my ear with a seductive tone.

"You shouldn't play with the fire or you'll get burned."

He lets go of my hand and runs away.

He is out of my site now and I lean against the tree catching my breath. I take some time to think about what just happened… Gilbert's body so close to mine…his breath against my skin…it was scary… but nice. Nice? No, I didn't just say that, did I? This is wrong, we are both boys. But then again, Gilbert doesn't look like a boy, does he? Enough!

One more minute in this place and I will explode, I have to find something to take my mind off of this. I stand, grab my books and leave.

I decide to go and see what Pascal is doing. He never gives us any details about his research and that makes me even more curious, so I go to the common room knowing that I'll find him there.

Sure enough Pascal was there reading something. I go closer, making sure he doesn't notice me and try to read the title on the cover but he sees me and smashes the book on his knees then looks at me a bit angry.

"What are you reading there?" I ask happily.

He comes closer to my face, studding me as if making sure that I don't just pretend I didn't see.

"It's none of your business."

"Oh, come on Pascal. I'm curios. Is it another book about mother and baby?"

I grin. Oh how I love to tease Pascal like that sometimes but you must admit that he likes reading about all sorts of odd things. He covers my mouth with his hand and looks around to make sure no one heard what I just said.

"Not so loud, will you?"

I grin as he lets go of my mouth and takes a sit on the sofa again. I sit next to him. I really want to know what he was reading. Then suddenly I have an idea, tickle fight! It works every time with Pascal like a charm. I start tickling him and soon enough he gives up.

"Hahaha fine, fine haha stop hahaha I'll tell...you."

I stop and wait patiently for him to catch his breath. He shows me the cover of the book and I read the title. It's a book of…Latin? I want to say something but he stops me.

"If anyone finds out about this…I'll know it was you."

Pascal is studying Latin out of all odd things. He always fails his exams in Latin and he always said that all the Latin he knew was from class, except for the medical and botanical terms of course. Now I realize that there are a lot of things I still don't know about my friends.

One question crosses my mind though. Why does he fail the Latin exams? I want to ask him that but I think I should wait for a moment when it's only the two of us. He asked me not to talk about it in public and I respect that. He is my friend after all.

"What are you doing here anyway?" he asks "I thought you said you were going to study in the forest."

I blush and I freeze as the image of Gilbert comes into my mind. I don't want to talk about this and I don't want Pascal or Karl to know about it. Especially Karl, he told me to be careful and I wasn't even though I promised to him that I will.

"Are you alright?" I hear Pascal's voice "Do you have a fever?" He puts his hand on my forehead to check it.

"I'm fine" I whisper trying to gain my composure "I just didn't want to study alone after all." I see Pascal studying me for a moment as if he knew I was lying and I try to change the topic.

"How about we play a game? Chess maybe?" I give it a try.

"A game?" He looks at me oddly "I thought the only thing you play is the piano. Do you really know how to play chess?"

"No, but you can teach me, right?"

Maybe that would have worked any other time but not now, not after that. I must have looked like a zombie except for the fact that I was red.

"If you're sure you're Ok then maybe we should start doing that homework."

He's still watching me, not firmly convinced that I'm fine and we go to his room so he can get his books and notes.

We decide to go outside since Pascal said that the fresh air will be good for me if I wasn't feeling well. We find a nice spot in the yard and put our books down.

"What shall we start with?" he asks looking through the books he brought. "Geography, history, French…"

Suddenly I see someone watching me from behind a tree. It's Gilbert. I freeze again. Is it a coincidence or is he following me? And if he is, then why? He must have noticed the look on my face because I see him smile satisfied.

"Serge?" I hear Pascal calling my name "What will it be?" he looks at me for a second "Are you sure you're alright?"

I turn around to look at him and I nod.

"History's fine" I say, then I turn to look at Gilbert again but he isn't there anymore.

We finished most of our homework when Karl got back so we helped him too. That way it didn't take him too long to finish. It was getting late and none of us liked pushing studying into the night but with Karl it could not be helped since he had to go to town from time to time sent by the school.

I never understood why Karl had so many responsibilities in this school but that was maybe because he was a trustworthy person and an eminent student.

Later on we split up, Karl and I went to our room and Pascal went to his.

Karl seemed to be very tired. He let himself fall on the bed and sighed.

"Do you have to go somewhere tomorrow too?" I ask a bit worried. I hope he doesn't because as a dorm dean he is needed here too and I don't want him to push himself too hard.

"No, not tomorrow" he sighs again, he must be really tired. "Serge?" he calls my name and I have a feeling I know what this is about. "Is everything alright?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" I ask trying to act as normal as possible.

"I don't know…" he begins "Pascal said that you acted a bit weird today so I was just wondering."

"I'm fine, really."

He is not convinced and I know that I have to tell him more than just that. Maybe I should tell him that I saw Gilbert again, for the first time since then…But what if that will make him more worried….

"I went in the forest to study since Pascal said that he'll do his homework later and I saw Gilbert there. He had his arms and legs tied…I…" I didn't know what else to say. I didn't want to tell him what happened afterwards so I just waited for him to fill in the blanks.

"You were shocked, weren't you?"

Thank God I had the idea to let him finish what I started.

"Yes…. I mean why would anyone do that to him?"

"It's not so uncommon you know. You'll see a lot of that from now on."

Now I am really shocked. Karl is just telling me that this is happening often, that he knows it and he doesn't do anything about it.

"And you don't do anything about it? You are the dorm dean, Karl. Use your authority."

I shouted at him and I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions so fast. Maybe he did try to do something about it but not enough. I want to apologize but he speaks before I can say something.

"I'm sorry Serge, I can't."

He can't. That's all he can say? If the dorm dean can't then who can? I don't feel like apologizing anymore. I was right to shout at him.

I look at him and I see that he is feeling uneasy, like there is something he wants to tell me but he can't. He changes his position and now he is sitting, looking at the floor waiting for me to break the silence but I don't. Instead I just storm outside and smash the door closed behind me.

I get out of the dorm building and I start walking aimlessly. I just can't believe Karl. I thought he was different, I guess I was wrong.

I knew there were many things I still didn't know about Karl and Pascal but I never imagined that Karl would not help someone who needed it, especially someone who was hurt and spoken badly by everyone.

Someone's voice distracts me from my thoughts and I go to see who it is. Behind the corner of the building were Blough and Gilbert. Blough had his arm around Gilbert's waist and he was kissing him on the neck. I thing I'm not feeling well.

"Stop it Blough, please" I recognize Gilbert's voice but this time it's not cold, not like it was back then when he talked to me. Could it be that he was enjoying it? No, I don't want to believe that.

I remember what Karl told me before 'he's a prostitute Serge he is ready to sell his body to anyone for anything, even to men'. I dismiss that thought and I run back to my room.


	3. Serge

Chapter 3 - Serge

There's this new transfer student in our school. What was his name again? Serge something. This should be interesting. Things have been so boring here lately that I was wondering when I would get a new toy.

I watched him ever since he came in Laconblade but he never noticed.

He seems to be the perfect student with top grades, loved by all the teachers and on top of it all he can play the piano. I think I'm going to be sick.

Anyway I don't really care about all that as long as he minds his own business but if he doesn't…well, I'll just have to teach him what 'curiosity kills the cat' means. I taught everyone else in my class didn't I? Even Karl Meiser, the dorm dean is staying away now.

The first time when Serge saw me was when Blough had one of his usual fights with Jacques over me. I just can't believe how dumb those two can be. Blough thinks that I really love him when the truth is that I only use him because he is the stronger of the two and he can protect me against Jacques, and Jacques thinks that I love him but Blough is forcing me to be with him and I have no choice. What idiots. In all these years none of them realized that I'm using them to get those stupid school papers done.

I used to think that Blough was the strong one and Jacques was the smart one but I guess I was only half right. Jacques is not so smart after all.

But anyway, after Blough beat the hell out of me because I slept with Jacques they started a fight and that's when he appeared. He gave me his handkerchief to wipe off the blood on the corner of my mouth and I took it since I didn't have one at the time. I turned to leave and he followed me like a lost puppy but when I turn to look at him he just stared at me. I thought he wanted to say something but he just froze there so I left.

Now I'm having a hard time trying to get away from those two since Blough is always keeping an eye on me and Jacques is sneaking into my room at night. Blough just found out about it and came like a storm in my room.

"You were with him last night, weren't you?"

He already knows the answer so why does he ask? Well actually he doesn't know the truth but he knows what I want him to know.

It's true that last night Jacques came into my room again but I managed to get him out, however I don't want Blough to know that, so if he thinks that I actually slept with Jacques that's just fine. They're just going to start a fight over me again.

"And what if I was?"

He'll beat me again, I just know it but I don't really care. I just watch him as he gets red of anger and smirk. That annoys him even more and he jumps on top of me immobilizing my arms and slapping me as hard as he can (and believe me it's hard) then he punches me in the stomach. It really hurts, I can't even move but I don't even frown. I got used to it already.

He looks around the room for something, maybe something to tie me up with. I was right.

"That'll teach you a lesson" he says a little less angry than before.

He lifts me easily and I know that he's going to take me somewhere. It's not the first time something like this happens. Usually he dumps me in the forest and sure enough that's what he'll do this time too.

Someone who isn't in my position would say that I can read the future or something even though this is nothing special, really. But then of course, no one else is in my position, not anyone I know of anyway. That's why no one understands.

They all try to convince me that they want to help me and they tell me what to do because it's for my own good….. crap. They are all just a bunch of idiots.

So he dumps me again in the forest and I just hope that I won't stay here two days just like the last time. He walks away then stops to look at me and smirks. I look at him too and say nothing since I know that he is going to have his own problems later with Jacques and who knows maybe even Rosmarine the superintendent. I watch him leave until he is out of my site.

So here I am, all tied up and there's nothing I can do for who knows how long. I wonder what time it is. Classes aren't over yet and there aren't high chances for someone to find me before school is over. Sometimes no one comes here for a few days in a row, especially when it's cold outside.

Today is not that cold though so there's still a chance that someone drops by after class.

A few hours have passed and I hear the bell ringing. Classes are over. Anytime now someone will come and….Suddenly I hear someone coming. I open my mouth to call for help but the footsteps stop. I wonder who's there and what he is going to do but a few moments later I hear his voice.

That's weird. Who is he talking to? I'm sure it was only one person because I only heard one person's footsteps. So if he's not talking to anyone he must be talking to himself.

I laugh, but not too loud. I don't want him to know that I'm here, not just yet. This is a funny situation so I'll just wait a little longer and see what's going to happen.

He's talking about something that sounds like French literature. I listen for a few moments. I might have to write a paper about that later, yeah right. I guess I'll just have to convince Blough to do it for me. Anyway, this is starting to be annoying. I guess I'll just have to let that guy know that I'm here too.

"Will you keep it down? I'm not interested in your babbling."

I wish I could see the look on his face right now. I bet he thought he was alone here. I stir a little to hit some branches and let him know where I am. He comes closer and I can finally see his face. It's Serge.

He unties me and gives me his hand but I can get up by myself thank you so I just ignore him.

"What happened to you?"

He had to ask didn't he? He sounds worried but I don't buy it. Why would he be worried for a person he doesn't know?

"You should mind your own business."

I just hope that annoyed him enough to leave me alone. I guess I was wrong. He grabs my hand as I try to leave.

"No" he shouts "Not until you tell me who did this to you."

That never happened before. Whenever someone helps me out they just leave afterwards without asking questions. But with Serge it's understandable, he's new here and doesn't know much about this forsaken place.

I turn to leave but he grabs my hand. He's holding me tight as if he was afraid that I would run away. I never thought that a boy like him can be so strong. It hurts but I'm not going to let him know that, I frown and I wonder if he saw that. I hope he didn't.

I have to get away from his grasp and there is only one way I can do that right now, so instead of getting away, I come closer. He makes a step back but I don't give up. I know I'll win since I saw something that he couldn't. There's a tree right behind him and if he keeps on going back he'll find himself trapped between me and that tree.

He lets go of my hand and this would be a perfect moment for me to run away but I don't. He needs a warning; it's only fair since he's new, so instead I take his hand gently. He's getting scared and I proudly watch the result as he makes a step back and realizes that he's trapped. I go even closer until I can feel his hart beating against my chest.

"You shouldn't play with the fire or you'll get burned."

I give him a last glace then leave. Now I know that he'll leave me alone but just to make sure I'll keep an eye on him a while longer so I just hide behind a tree and watch him leave towards the dorms.

I wait until he is far enough, then I follow him in the building. Now where did he go? There are only two places where he can be: his room or the common room.

Pretending to pass by I give a quick glace into the common room and see him with one of his friends, Pascal. I won't follow him in there. The common room is the only place I never go to except for class and church. It would be like willingly walking into a trap. The others don't want me there and I don't want to be there so it's just fine.

Not knowing how long he is going to be there I decide to go to my room so I take the stairs up to the second floor.

It's nice to be back in my room again after being stuck in that forest for so long. I look out the window and sigh. I wish Augu was here. I miss him. I want to see him more often, no I want to go home and be with him, only with him.

He only let me stay home one month last summer saying that he had to go to Paris for some important business. He promised to write but I didn't get any letters from him yet. A silent tear slides down on my cheek, I can't help it. I always cry when I think of Augu. It's tearing my heart but there's nothing I can do. Doing my best not to let anyone know about these tears is all I can do.

I have to be strong, or at least pretend that I am, otherwise I won't survive in this forsaken place.

I close my eyes and remember last summer, remember Augu, his kisses, his fingers caressing my neck…more tears fall down my cheeks. It's painful but nice. I wish this was the only pain I would ever have to feel even though it hurts the most. Blough or Jacques could never make me feel so much pain no matter what they did to me.

I open my eyes and look out the window again and spot Serge with Pascal leaving the building. I grab my jacket and leave the room.

I find them sitting on the grass, surrounded by books. What a bunch of nerds. But right now I have to make sure he sees me so I pretend to hide in the most obvious place, right under his nose. Everything worked the way I expected it, he turned white as soon as he spotted me. He is so easy to tease…

I'm done here so there's no reason for me to stay any longer. I guess I'll just go back to my room now.

I open the door and bite my lip as I see Blough standing there grinning at me.

"I was wondering if you got away." I'm nervous but I can't let him see that so I fake a smile instead. "I have what you want. Meet me tonight at the greenhouse." He passes by me to head for the door but stops. "And I want more than just 15 minutes." He leaves and I close the door behind him as if making sure that he doesn't come back.

I'm heading towards the greenhouse where I'm supposed to meet Blough. I wouldn't have to do this if it wasn't for that stupid paper. When I arrive he is already there, waiting for me.

"Come here."

He is patting the spot beside him where he wants me to sit. I silently obey. He looks me in the eyes for a while then raises his hand to touch my cheek but I catch his wrist.

"Let me see it first" I demand.

"Why do you always have to spoil it for me" he sounds angry and I wonder if he's going to slap me or something. Instead he gets a paper out of his jacket's inner pocket and shows it to me. "Satisfied?"

For now I am but I don't tell him that instead I wait to see what happens next. He seems to calm down and stars unbuttoning my shirt.

"Damn you Gilbert. Why do you have to be so beautiful? You are my only weakness you know."

I am aren't I? This is my curse, the curse I've been bearing for as long as I know. I'm everyone's weakness, everyone's except my lover's. I wish Augu was here right now, I wish he was the one touching me, kissing me and caressing me right now. He is the only one who has the right to do it.

Being in someone else's arms makes me feel so dirty, that's why I close my eyes and pretend Augu is here instead of Blough. It makes things bearable and it works every time. This is my little secret.

An hour later he kisses me and gives me my clothes to get dressed and I take them grateful that this is over.

"Come on I'll accompany you" he says as I take my jacket. We walk quietly to the dorm building then suddenly he stops. I stop too. I'm not stupid to leave without my paper. He puts a hand around my waist and I want to push him back but I change my mind when I see Serge watching us. I don't know how long he's been there or what is he doing outside at this hour but seeing this might be a good lesson for him.

"Stop it Blough, please" I pretend to like it and lean into his kisses but with the corner of my eye I watch Serge.

He's gone. There's no need for this act anymore so I push Blough away from me.

"Give it to me" I demand. He gives me the paper and disappears into the night.


	4. Searching in the Past

Chapter 4 –Searching in the Past

I can't get Gilbert out of my head. The image of Blough kissing him is making me shiver and Karl's words are played over and over again in my mind. Why is this happening to me? I barely know him then why do I have such strong emotions?

I glance at the clock on my desk. I still have five minutes before the alarm rings so I decide to rest a little longer since I didn't sleep very well last night.

When I came back last night Karl was already sleeping, or pretending to be sleeping. I perfectly understand if he didn't want to talk to me besides, back then I didn't want to talk to him either. Now however I think I should apologize to him, maybe I will do it this morning.

The alarm is ringing and I get up to turn it off. I give a quick glace at Karl who stirs slightly and yawns. I watch him as he gets up and gets dressed.

"…Karl…" I say looking at the floor. He stops for a second and looks at me. "I'm sorry for last night. I didn't have the right to judge you." He turns back at what he was doing and I get the feeling that he is angry with me.

"You don't have to apologize. You were right." I look at him not really understanding what he meant but I don't dare to ask for an explanation. He notices my confusion and continues "Do you know why everyone in our class stays away from Gilbert?"

Why is he asking me that? Isn't it obvious?

"Because he sells his body to the upperclassmen, you said it yourself."

"That's not what bothers everyone the most, Serge. The problem is that…" He hesitates and I take it as embarrassment but why would he be embarrassed? "….he seduces everyone, even those who try to help him." I don't know what to say anymore as I finally understand what's going on. If I read between the lines I can uncover Karl's secret. I understand why he hesitated and I regret judging him before.

If Gilbert did to Karl what he did to me then I can understand why Karl doesn't want to talk about him.

"Hurry up and get dressed, we'll be late for breakfast." I nod and do as he says.

Professor Watts called for me again today. He said he will introduce me to another person who knew my father very well, the prestigious professor Rouch. He said that the professor had wanted to meet me ever since he found out that I came to Laconblade Academy. I wonder what else this professor can tell me about my father.

I walk along a dark corridor with professor Watts in front of me and I wonder where he is taking me. I've never been in this part of the school before and I can't help but wonder what is behind all these doors. The corridor has doors on both sides and all of them are numbered, some of them have names written on them too and I presume that they belong to the professors in the school.

We suddenly stop in front of a door with Professor Rouch's name on it. Professor Watts knocks and opens the door slightly before someone invites us in.

"I brought him professor, just as I promised" he addresses the old man sitting in an armchair by the window.

"Thank you Watts. You may go now. I want to talk alone with this boy."

As professor Watts leaves I look around the room and I see a piano right in the middle of it. It's the most beautiful piano I've ever seen, black with sophisticated decorations engraved on it and a golden plate with the professor's name on it.

The professor watches me as I look at it amazed and smiles at me slightly.

"You like it?" he asks more to start a conversation rather than to get an answer since the answer to his question is written all over my face.

"Yes" I replay "I've never seen a piano like this before."

"Yes…this piano is very old but very good. It was a gift from a pianist I met a long time ago. This, my dear boy is the piano your father used to play when he was a student here."

"You mean this is the piano my father used when he learned to play?" I ask eager to find out more.

The professor looks at me and smiles again.

"Oh no, my boy, your father played very well when he came here. I just polished his skills."

"You mean….you were my father's teacher?"

"I was, indeed. Would you like to play something for me?"

He wants me to play for him. This really makes me happy. I barely touched a piano since I came here and I really miss the happiness that fills me within when I play.

I sit down and look at the keyboard, hesitating for a moment. I don't know what to play but then I remember the song my father used to play when I was little and become more confident.

This feels good. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. When I play, the music makes all my worries go away, it fills my heart and for a moment I feel like I'm a new person. I don't want this to end but it does as I play the last notes of the song.

I hear hands clapping behind me and their sound brings me back from my little dream world. I turn around to face Professor Rouch again.

"You really are your father's son. You are indeed very talented just like he was. When you played…I could sense your passion. Your father played that song with the same passion, it was his favorite." I nod. I can still remember that about my father, the way he played, the light in his eyes whenever he played this song…."Your father was my student and now I ask you if you would be my student too."

I can't believe it. My father's teacher wants me to be his student. This must be the happiest day in my life.

"I would be honored to accept your offer" I say as I bow "Thank you very much."

The professor starts laughing "You are indeed Aslan's son. Now go, I'm sure your friends are waiting for you."

I can't wait to tell Pascal and Karl about this, they won't believe it, I can't believe it myself either.

On my way back to the dorm however I find Gilbert lying in the grass, covered in blood and with his cloths ripped. He's trying hard to get up but he is too hurt to do it by himself. What did you get yourself into this time Gilbert?

"Gilbert!" I run to help him stand and as weird as it seems, he accept it so I put his arm over my shoulder and walk slowly to the dorms.

When we reach his room I help him get in and close the door behind us.

"Come on, let's get you in bed then I'll go call Pascal. He has a first aid kit and can bandage your wounds." Gilbert doesn't move though. He looks at me and smiles slightly then wraps his other arm around my neck and kisses me on my lips. His action takes me by surprise and I instinctively push him back causing him to fall on the floor with a slight frown on his face caused by the pain. I make a step back but I hit the desk and cause everything on it to fall on the floor.

"Why did you do that?" I sound frightened but I can't help it because I really am.

"Just take it as a 'thank you' ok?" he smiles again. I know I have to help him get in bed but I can't make myself go closer to him, not after that….after the…" Aren't you going to help me get in bed? I can't do it by myself."

I hesitate for a moment but I know I have to do this. I can't just let him there and leave so I help him up once again.

"I'll go get Pascal" I tell him after he's in bed and storm out to find my friend.

A few minutes later I enter his room again with Pascal in tow. Pascal takes a seat on the bed, by Gilbert's side but I can't go any closer than this so I stand by the desk and watch them while Pascal takes care of the blonde's wounds.

"I gave him something for the pain but he should stay in bed for a while. I'll come back and check on him later" says Pascal closing his first aid kit and getting ready to leave "Aren't you coming?" he asks when he notices that I don't follow him out.

"I'll stay a bit longer"

"All right, I'll tell Karl then."

"Pascal…." he stops and looks at me "…thank you…"

It's only me and Gilbert now. The blonde's angelic face captivates me, he looks so peaceful and innocent lying there and I wonder how did someone like him turn out to be like this….so full of sins…so lost….

"Why are you still here?"

His voice brings my wandering mind back to reality.

"I just wanted to make sure you're ok. Does it still hurt?"

He stirs slightly as if checking if anything hurts when he moves.

"Why do you care anyway?"

I just can't believe this boy. He's hurt, he can't even stand yet he refuses anyone's help and pushes away all those who are concerned about him.

"I really don't know, I just do" I pretend to be angry and maybe I should be after that incident earlier "You don't deserve it though." I turn to leave but the sound of his voice makes me stop. I hope he's going to apologize because I really want us to be friends.

"Wait….aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?"

I can't believe what he just said. If I wasn't really angry before now I am so I storm out of his room without another word.

Tears threaten to come out but I don't let them. No matter how awful it is to have my first kiss with a boy I can't let Gilbert turn me down, I would just play his game.

I promised to myself not to let this incident earlier to ruin my day so I go back to my room with a smile on my face ready to tell my friends about my meeting with Professor Rouch.

"You won't believe what just happened today" I say happily from the doorway.

"Why don't you close the door first? Or do you really want everyone to hear what you have to say?" says Pascal with sarcasm, not even bothering to look up from the next year's biology text book he's reading.

"I met my father's piano teacher" I continue pretending not to hear what Pascal just said but doing as he said and closing the door behind. "He wants to tutor me too, isn't that great?"

"I'm really happy for you" replays Karl. "I'm glad there are so many people here who can tell you about your parents. I can't even imagine what it's like to loose your parents at a young age."

"How is Gilbert?" asks Pascal still not leaving his book.

"He's still in bed, why?"

Since when is Pascal so interested in Gilbert's well being?

"There's something going on, he was too obedient, he didn't even tell me not to touch him."

Why wouldn't he let Pascal touch him, he is just treating his wounds?

"He was really hurt….he couldn't even walk on his own…."

"I should know better." Pascal cuts in "I'm the one who takes care of his wounds all the time. He was always pushing me away, no matter how hurt he was." He closes his book and gets up to leave. "I'll check on him again then go to bed. Good night."

"Serge?" I turn to Karl who looks worried "Did something happen with Gilbert?"

"No…" I hate lying to my friends but I just can't tell him the truth either. I really appreciate that he is concerned for me but this is between me and Gilbert.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me that again" he orders me with a shivering voice.

I can't do that. I feel like I'm destroying our friendship right here, right now.

"I see…it happened…" I still look at the floor and don't know what to say. He stands, walks to the window and there is a moment of silence between us. "I'm concerned for you because you are my friend" he continues "I don't want you to hate yourself the way I do."

I raise my gaze and look at him. Why would Karl hate himself?

"….Karl…" is all I can say.

"I don't hate myself because it happened or because I allowed it to happen….I hate myself because I…liked it."

So I was right when I thought that something happened between Karl and Gilbert.

I want to say something to him, to make him feel better but I can't find the right words. I know that Karl needs me, now that all those painful memories are coming out again but there's nothing I can do. Why does Gilbert do these things? Why…?


	5. A duel with the Rose

Chapter 5 – A duel with the Rose

This morning I found a letter near the door. Why would anyone slip a letter under the door when they could put it in my mail box? I pick it up and bite my lip as I see the red rose sticker that seales it up. The envelope doesn't have a name on it but it doesn't need to. There is only one person in this school who seals up his envelopes with red roses, Liliath.

I tear the envelope open and take the pink paper inside. What does he want from me now?

I'm sure you have already noticed the gipsy boy in class B.

He is getting too much attention don't you think?

I have an idea that you will find interesting and if you want to find out more meet me at the greenhouse in one hour.

PS: Don't tell anyone about this, let it be our secret.

Liliath Florian

All right Liliath, you got my attention. I'm curious.

Liliath Florian is one of the most popular boys in class A. He does it with almost everyone just for fun and has his own fun club. However, Liliath was never interested in younger boys. I wonder why Serge drew his attention.

I get dressed and rush out of the room heading toward the greenhouse. There I find Liliath waiting for me, playing with the rose in his hand.

"I see that you decided to come and hear what I have to say" he smiles happily. "I knew you would come…."

"Why did you call me here?" I interrupt him.

"I thought about a contest, between the two of us" he explains.

"A contest? Stop wasting my time!"

"You're so mean…" he pouts "…let me finish at least. Let's see who can seduce the gipsy boy first" he smiles again and claps his hands. He can be so childish sometimes. "I know you want to….after all you did it with everyone else" he continues with a seductive tone. He's right, I do want to. I want to get rid of that boy. He is, after all, just like everyone else, thinking that he knows everything and understands everything but he knows nothing. He's just a little more persistent than the others but that doesn't matter. I'll win anyway.

"And what do you win from this?"

"Oh, nothing really….just a little bet I made with the boys." A bet? That explains everything.

"Fine, but don't expect to win." I turn around and leave satisfied.

If I want to win this thing I guess I'll have to do more, I have to get closer to him. I should start right away… maybe I should wait for him after class…

Suddenly I find myself surrounded by the boys in Liliath's fan club. You want to play dirty Liliath, is that it?

"Well, well what do we have here? If it isn't the little prince" says one of the boys who is standing closer to me, Kurt.

"We heard that you changed your tastes" continues the one behind him, Neka.

"Yeah, from older boys to gypsies" they all laugh as I try to find a way to escape but it's no use, I'm surrounded.

"Well lets see if the gypsy boy will like you too" says one of them showing me a knife he'd been hiding and coming closer to me. I make a step back but someone pushes me from behind and I fall on the ground right in front of the boy with the knife. He brings the knife closer to my face and puts it under my chin. "Where should I start? Should I start with your pretty face or should I…" he lowers the knife and moves it slowly until he reaches my pants "…go strait to the point."

I use all my power to hit him as hard as I can. That must have annoyed him because he swoops upon me with the knife. I manage to stop him however by grabbing the blade with my hand. It hurts and I frown, I can feel the blood leaking among my fingers.

He grabs my neck, to intimidate me maybe, but I don't let go, if I do I'm as good as dead. I can't breathe anymore and the pain in my hand is unbearable. The lack of strength makes me loosen the grips on the knife and on the hand around my neck and to my surprise he lets me fall on my back.

He rips my shirt but I'm too weak to do anything, right now I have to catch my breath again.

Suddenly I feel something hard hitting me in the back and I realize that I forgot about the other boys…

I wake up and realize where I am. No one is here anymore though, they're all gone….and I'm still alive…I must have been unconscious because I can't remember anything after that hit in the back. I wonder what time it is, how long I have been laying here.

I have to get back to the dorm but I can't get up, I'm too weak and my body hurts too much. Tears threaten to fall but I don't let them, this pain will only make me stronger so I have to bear with it.

Someone calls my name then gently lifts me up and helps me walk. I can feel his warm body near my cold one and it's like he's brought me back to life again.

Liliath must have sent his friends to take care of me so he can win that bet, but instead he is doing me a favor. I can use this situation to make another step with Serge. My lips curve in a brief smile despite the pain in my body.

Serge is by my side, helping me get to my room, if I can only keep him there a while longer…

He opens the door and helps me get inside.

"Come on, let's get you in bed then I'll go call Pascal. He has a first aid kit and he can bandage your wounds." I stop though and use all my strength to hang myself to him and give him a kiss on the lips. He pushes me and I fall on the wooden floor like a puppet without a puppeteer. The contact with the floor makes me frown.

"Why did you do that?" He stares at me and looks like he'd seen a ghost. I smile at the site in front of me and answer.

"Just take it as a 'thank you' ok?" He still stands there, staring at me so I feel that I need to remind him what he was doing in the first place. " Aren't you going to help me get in bed? I can't do it by myself."

He hesitates for a moment then helps me up again.

"I'll go get Pascal" The way he storms out makes me understand that I am on the right track. He comes back a few minutes later with his friend and I let Pascal bandage my wounds.

Serge is still here though and I have to say that I'm impressed. I didn't expect him to come back after, well…that… I am even more surprised when he doesn't leave along with Pascal.

He looks at me, lost in thoughts… how I hate it when he does that.

"Why are you still here?" I ask, more to bring him back to reality since I don't really care what the answer is.

"I just wanted to make sure you're ok. Does it still hurt?"

What a dumb question. Of course it does. It's only been like ten minutes since Pascal gave me those painkillers.

"Why do you care anyway?" I ask instead.

"I really don't know, I just do. You don't deserve it though." I think he's angry and ready to leave and that's a good idea because I really need some rest now. I'll let him go, but not before the final touch.

"Wait…" he stops. Maybe he isn't that angry after all "….aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?"

He storms out leaving me alone again. Only when the door is shut I finally allow the tears that I've been suppressing to come out silently….and I cry until I fall asleep….


	6. Kissed by a Rose

Chapter 6 – Kissed by a Rose

A letter? I wonder who it is from. The only person who sends me letters is my aunt but this one doesn't look like her letters. It doesn't have the name of the sender on it or my name for that matter, only a red rose.

I wonder if I should open it. Maybe someone made a mistake and put it in my mail box, but then again it might be for me after all. Maybe there's a name inside, I'll look for that before I read it. I wouldn't want to read someone's mail by mistake.

I open it slowly and look at the top of the page but there's no name there so I look at the bottom of the page where the name of the sender should be and read 'Your secret admirer'. I wonder what this is all about so I decide to read it after all.

I've wanted to meet you for some time now but I guess I was too shy to come to you.

Ever since I heard you play the piano I wanted to tell you that you truly are talented and that I admire you.

I can't wait to meet you so please come this evening at the greenhouse at seven.

Your secret admirer

My name isn't mentioned in the letter either but it says about playing the piano so it might be for me after all. I wonder who the secret admirer is maybe I should go and find out.

I wonder how is Gilbert doing today, he didn't come at breakfast this morning but that's not surprising considering the condition he was in yesterday. I'll go see him and maybe I can sneak some food from the kitchen too.

Half an hour later I knock at his door and open it carefully so I don't spill everything on the tray I carry. He's still in bed with the face in the pillow. After putting the tray on the desk I go near him and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Gilbert…you should eat something, I brought you some soup…" He doesn't answer, nor does he turn around "Gilbert…please…" After a few seconds he slowly turns around. He's pale and still weak and I can see in his eyes that he's been crying.

I hate to see him like this. It's hard to see him beaten, covered in blood and treated badly but to see him hurt like this with his heart broken is unbearable to me. He must have cried all night, all alone in this room with no one to comfort him. I wish I stayed with him last night but I had no idea how he felt.

I bring him the soup and he starts eating slowly.

"How are your wounds…does it still hurt?" he shakes his head as an answer "What happened, Gilbert? What happened the other day? Who did this to you?" He doesn't answer; instead he looks at me as if he isn't sure if he should say what he wants to say.

"…Serge…" he starts "…stay with me a while longer." I can't refuse him, not when he's like this so I take a seat on his bed and watch him as he puts his head on my lap. When I see him like this, so peaceful, so helpless I wish I could take his pain away, I wish I would feel the pain he's feeling.

His golden hair is so radiant…I want to run my fingers through his wavy locks but I don't dare… I really enjoy these moments we spend together right now. I don't really know why but I do. Still I think I like the old Gilbert better, this behavior doesn't suit him.

Ever since I heard the way everyone in school talks about him I felt that we have something in common. He is spoken badly of because of his behavior and I because of my dark skin, still no one has ever tried to get to know us better. However I can't complain too much, I have friends like Karl and Pascal who see me for what I am on the inside, not on the outside. But who did that for Gilbert? No one I suppose, that's why he's always alone. His behavior must be a desperate attempt to get away from that feeling.

I know what it's like…to be alone… Sometimes I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by my friends. It's a feeling that I can't really explain. It's like a need to be with someone who can understand you completely, who knows how you feel because they feel the same way too.

Is there someone who feels the way Gilbert does? I wish he would open himself to me, this way I could at least try to understand…

I put my hand on his shoulder. I want to let him know that I'm here for him. It seems that I did the right thing because he gets up and throws his arms around my neck. My instincts tell me to push him as I recall the incident the other day, however I fight them. Fighting my instincts is the only way I can get to Gilbert.

He doesn't do anything though he just lays his head on my shoulder. His breath on my neck is so warm….I put my arms around him too and we hold each other like that for a while.

How long did we stay like that? I don't know. It seems that time has stopped for both of us.

"Gilbert…" I finally break the silence "It's late…I have to go." He lets me go and lies back in bed. "Are you feeling better?" He does look better but I'm still worried.

"Just go if you have to."

The way he said it makes me feel guilty. I don't want to leave him but it's time for me to go and meet Mr. Secret admirer at the greenhouse. Maybe I'll come back later though but I don't tell him that because I don't want to make any promises.

There is no one at the greenhouse. I can wait a little longer; I did come early after all. The greenhouse is one of my favorite places in the school. It's the only place where the flowers can be admired the entire year, where you can see them blossom and feel their perfume even in winter.

The door is opening slowly and a blonde boy enters. I've never seen him before but then again I don't know many boys from class A. This one doesn't look like most boys in our school. His face is so feminine….he reminds me of Gilbert and yet there is something different about him….his eyes are not so cold and his skin is not so pale. There's a natural feminine beauty in him that I've never seen before at a boy, not even at Gilbert.

"Are you the one who sent me a letter this morning?" He doesn't answer but nods instead.

"I wasn't sure if you would come but I hoped you would. Not many people answer to the invitation in a letter without a name on it."

"My name is Serge Battour, pleased to meet you" I raise my hand for him to take it and he does.

"How silly I am" he blushes with embarrassment and runs his fingers through his hair "I know who you are but I forgot that you don't know who I am. I'm Florian Liliath."

"So….why did you want to see me?"

He casually walks by me and heads to the rose bush behind me.

"I'm a fan of yours. I thought I told you that in my letter." He turns around and comes closer to me. "Is it so bad for an admirer to want to meet with the person he admires?" Saying this he huddles me in a tight embrace. As soon as I realize what is going on I try get to get away from him but he grabs both my hands and closes the distance between us. "See? That wasn't so bad was it?" he says letting me go and smiling satisfied. "Wasn't that better than Gilberts?"

Gilbert's? How does he know about that? I didn't tell anyone except for my friends and I don't think Gilbert did either. I start running, run as fast as I can and don't stop until I'm in my room.

Someone is playing with me….playing a stupid game, a game I didn't consent with, a game I don't want to be part of.

I wonder if Gilbert is toying with me too….today…was it all an act? Is this what Pascal was talking about when he said that Gilbert was acting strange?

I open the door to his room without knocking. I'm too angry to care about manners right now.

He's still in bed, where I left him about a half an hour ago with the face in the pillow. Hearing my angry voice he turns around to look at me. I get the letter out of my pocket and show it to him.

"Did you know about this?"

"You received a letter? How was I supposed to know that, I was in bed all day, remember?"

He doesn't look like someone who is telling a lie, yet there is something in his eyes that tells me he's not really telling the truth either.

"The one who wrote this letter wanted to see me today. He…he knew what you did yesterday."

"And what is that?" I hesitate because I can't make myself to say the word 'kiss' in front of him "What did I do the other day?" He's persistent and he's doing it just to tease me.

I have a feeling that the old Gilbert is back

"You kissed me" I finally spit it out.

"Oh…" He says it as if it wasn't something unusual and wrong and disgraceful and sinful and…. "Oh well, I have no idea how he knew about that, unless you told him of course."

What? I would have never done such a thing. The only ones I told about it are Karl and Pascal and I trust they didn't tell anyone. They are in the same position as I am after all.

"So how was it…" I look at him not really understanding what he means "…his kiss" he explains "Did it taste like roses?"

How does he know that Florian kissed me? There's a second of silence but the sound of my hand crushing into his cheek as I slap him breaks it.

"How do you know about that anyway?" I ask, not being able to look him in the eyes.

"He does that…" he starts and I raise my gaze again surprised "…Liliath…"

"You knew who sent that letter?"

This thought makes me angry and surprised at the same time.

He smirks. "And what if I did? There's only one person in this school who sticks roses on his envelopes anyway and that's Liliath Florian."

There's only one more question I have for him and I hope he will tell me the truth.

"Gilbert….did you know that he was going to send me a letter and ask me to meet him?"

"No" He answers flatly. "Do you have any other questions?"

"No…" I have no more questions. Right now I need time to sort out my feelings. This is so tiresome….ever since Gilbert entered my life I feel tired all the time and sometimes even depressed.

What did I get myself into?

Right now the only thing that I want to do is crush on my bed and cry…cry it all out…cry until I fall asleep.


	7. Lies

Chapter 7 – Lies

Yesterday's wounds still hurt a bit.

I bet Liliath is laughing somewhere with Kurt and Neka right now thinking he has won. Hasn't he realized that he can't beat me at my own game yet? As long as he does this for fun he can't beat me, no mater how girly he is.

As for Serge….he would never fall for Liliath's face and charm. Even if Liliath can kiss him, that will only make Serge want to stay away from him, as for me….he'll come back to me for sure and then Liliath will have to admit that he has lost again.

I played my part well considering the condition I was in yesterday, he stayed longer than I expected. I'll have to thank Liliath for that later, without his help it wouldn't have gone so well.

I hate it here. I hate to be locked in this room all alone but I have no choice right now. I wish Augu was here…a letter from him would be fine too but he hasn't written to me since school started.

Why is he torturing me?

Why does he want to see me heart broken?

I spent all night thinking of him and crying because of him.

Why does love hurt so much?

Why can't he love me the way I love him?

Why does he drive me crazy if he doesn't love me?

Why does he do all these things?

I'm desperate, I know but he's the only one who understands me, he's the only one who can make me break apart when I lean in his touch, make me shiver when I feel his lips against mine and make me feel desire and warmth when we become one. He's the one who makes me feel alive.

He's the only one who can make me happy and sad at the same time, who can make me laugh and cry at the same time and who can love and hate me at the same time.

When I'm not with him my life is just a lie, my happiness is a lie, all I ever do is pretend, pretend everything is alright….pretend to love Blough and Jacques and now even Serge. It makes me sick but what else can I do?

No one can give me what I want, no one can understand the way I feel but they all judge me. None of the boys in this school love someone the way I do and none have been hurt so much by the one they love.

I'll die alone…..but I can't even die in this forsaken place. There's always someone there to 'save' me when I try something and believe me I tried and not only once.

I can hear the door to my room open but I don't really care who it is, I don't want to see anyone right now so I pretend to be asleep.

"Gilbert…you should eat something, I brought you some soup…" I hear his voice but I still don't move, maybe he'll leave if I don't answer.

"Gilbert…please…" he's persistent as always. I'll do what he wants me to do for now and not only for the sake of Liliath's stupid game but because I don't want to be alone right now.

"How are your wounds…does it still hurt?" You have no idea…..but it's not the wounds all over my body that hurt, the ones inside hurt the most, the ones caused by Augu himself. I don't tell him that though, instead I shake my head.

"What happened, Gilbert? What happened the other day? Who did this to you?" Why do you care anyway? You are a lie just like everyone else, you pretend to care and you're nice to me but you just want to draw attention upon you. Well you did. Are you satisfied now? You even got Liliath's attention but sooner or later you'll pay for this popularity. You didn't listen to me when I told you not to play with fire, did you?

Right now though I don't care that you're a lie, I want you to lie to me a little longer, pretend that you care about me.

"…Serge…" I start "…stay with me a while longer." He takes a seat by my side, just as I expected and I put my head on his lap. It feels nice and comforting but I know that it won't last forever, it never does.

I want him to hold me but I can't ask him for that, he might run away and I'll loose these few nice moments too.

I don't want to play this game with Serge anymore, it's torturing. He already endured with me longer than most of the boys, now it's time for him to go back to his normal life and leave me behind. I know that I wanted this in the beginning, I wanted to see how much he could stand but I'm tired of waiting for the day when he leaves. It's inevitable anyway so we should better get over with it sooner than later.

Maybe Liliath's game will put an end to everything. If I seduce him and win he'll definitely run away.

He puts his hand on my shoulder and that startles me. I get up and throw my arms around his neck without even caring about the consequences. He doesn't get back though, instead he embraces me too.

Could he be different from the others? What a stupid question, of course he's not, he's just stronger than the others. I think there's a part of me that wants him to be different, to understand, a part of me that still hopes.

After a while which seemed long but not long enough he breaks the silence.

"Gilbert…It's late…I have to go." I can understand if he doesn't want to stay with me anymore. "Are you feeling better?" His voice is so soft. He never spoke to me like that before. I don't want him to leave but just as I said before, it's inevitable.

"Just go if you have to." Once again I pretend to be strong when I'm breaking apart. One more lie. He believes that I'm alright or he pretends to believe….does it matter anymore? He's going to leave me anyway.

I watch him as he stands, walks to the door and closes it behind him….he's gone and I'm alone….again.

Tears threaten to come out again. I can't stop them, I don't want to stop them, it doesn't matter anyway.

I wonder where he went and if he's going to come back before going to bed.

Time passed, I don't know how much and I don't care and all I did was cry. But then my door opens again and he comes in, really angry and shows me a letter. It doesn't have any name on it only a red rose. So Liliath made his first move….

"Did you know about this?" Why is he asking me that? I knew that Liliath would do something sooner or later but what does it have to do with me?

"You received a letter? How was I supposed to know that, I was in bed all day, remember?" I wonder if I should let him know that I know who sent that letter.

"The one who wrote this letter wanted to see me today. He…he knew what you did yesterday." It's more like he guessed rather than he knew.

"And what is that?" My question makes him blush slightly so I tease him a bit. "What did I do the other day?"

"You kissed me" I can't believe he said it. I can see that he's embarrassed but this is funny. I almost forgot that I was crying before he entered so I go on.

"Oh…" He's getting angrier, I bet he expected me to do something else, laugh at him or something. "Oh well, I have no idea how he knew about that, unless you told him of course." It's time for me to put some salt on his wounds. "So how was it…his kiss? Did it taste like roses?" He looks frightened and I know why. I just sort of admitted that I know who sent him that letter. I'm not sure if he kissed him though, Liliath usually goes strait to kissing when he wants to seduce someone so I'm sure that he at least tried to kiss Serge.

"How do you know about that anyway?" So it did happen. I was right when I thought that Serge would just run away from Liliath after a kiss but he would still come back to me. Checkmate Liliath.

"He does that…" he looks at me surprised "…Liliath…" I continue.

"You knew who sent that letter?" He looks like he knows the answer but doesn't want to believe it.

"And what if I did? There's only one person in this school who sticks roses on his envelopes anyway and that's Liliath Florian." I tell him the obvious.

"Gilbert….did you know that he was going to send me a letter and ask me to meet him?" I wonder if he figured out our little game.

"No" I answer flatly though I expected Liliath to approach him with a letter. "Do you have any other questions?"

"No…" He looks disappointed and angry but it doesn't matter since I already won.

He leaves once again and now I'm sure that he'll never come back. I think I got what I wanted didn't I? I'm all alone again…


	8. The Road with no Return

Chapter 8 – The Road with no Return

Autumn is almost over and with that the final exams begin. Now that the carefree days are over the atmosphere in the dorm building has changed. It's more quiet than usual since everyone spends most of their time in the library or in their rooms studying.

My friends and I are no exception. Every day after school we gather in our room and study for the exams.

I wonder what Gilbert is doing. I haven't seen him lately and I wonder if he doesn't feel too lonely. After the story with Florian Liliath he followed me from afar for a while but then he stopped. What is he up to now?

I know that Gilbert does some despicable things sometimes but I refuse to believe he's a bad person. He must have his reasons and even though I believe there is some other way to deal with his problems, no matter what they are, Gilbert has his own ways. He's got a twisted mind but he's not bad. I wish people would see that.

Maybe I should go and see how he's doing, I don't want him to believe that I abandoned him the way everyone else did. I want him to know that I still want to be his friend.

It's late and I'm getting tired, maybe I should put the books away for today, Pascal had already left and Karl looks tired too, still he's trying to memorize something. Maybe he doesn't want to abandon studying before I do.

I close my book and put it away along with my notes, then head for the door.

"I'll be right back" I don't stay any longer because I want to avoid Karl's questions. I don't think I should tell him that I'm going to see Gilbert, he wouldn't agree with it.

I never noticed how dark the hall can be at night. If I were anywhere else I wouldn't be able to find the way out. I can't see the numbers on the doors but I don't need to, somehow the way to Gilbert's room seems so familiar even though I've only been there just a few times.

I raise my hand to knock but I hesitate, what if he's gone to bed already, what if he doesn't want me to be there? But still…I want to see him, I need to see him. Lately I've felt that something was missing many times. I miss his cold green eyes, his patronizing voice and his irony…weird no? I miss those things the others are running away from, things the others hate, but that's what makes Gilbert to be Gilbert, otherwise he would be just another boy at Laconblade.

I finally make up my mind and knock. I wait but there's no answer, so I gently push the door open. Gilbert's image at the dim light of a candle appears in front of me. After I fully open the door, I step in and close it behind. He doesn't seem to notice me or he simply ignores me, I don't really know. His face is pale and expressionless but his hand is holding tight, so tight that it's trembling, a letter.

Who sent him that letter? Who makes him suffer so much?

I step closer, carefully avoiding the books and papers scattered on the floor. The room is a mess and that is unlike Gilbert, he's very tidy even though sometimes he seems to be different, especially when he appears in the hallway with the unbuttoned shirt and with the ribbon untied.

"Gilbert…." I don't know what to say to him, I can't seem to be able to find the right words to say when I see him like this. He still ignores me but I'm not going to leave, instead I sit next to him and put my arm around his shoulder. "What happened, Gilbert?" He still doesn't look at me.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" He needs me and I'm glad that he's finally putting his pride away and asking for help.

"Alright, I'll stay…just for tonight." There's an empty bed in his room, I can sleep there. I'm sure Karl will not mind too much. Besides, it's only for one night. "Why don't you get ready while I clean this place up a bit?" Before I knew it he was in bed, still holding tight the letter. "Don't you want to put that away?"

"No…" he says with an absent voice. I make my way to the empty bed but he grabs my hand, holding it tight. "You said you'll stay with me…." What is he talking about? I'm here aren't I?

"I am…"

"Come here, beside me."

"You mean in your bed?" He nods. The idea scares me. Sleeping in the same bed with Gilbert when he's naked seems wrong even if nothing happens.

"If you don't want to, then leave me alone." I hate it when he puts it that way. He's pushing my limits and it's working. It's working because I don't want to do anything against it. If I want to get close to him, if I want to know him better, I'll have to let him push me even further.

I hesitate a little but then I give in. "Alright, but that's all that's going to be. If you do anything I'll leave before you know it." Maybe I was a bit harsh with him but I have to make myself clear.

"I won't do anything, I promise." I don't know why but his promise is good enough for me.

He moves closer to the wall making room for me to lie down beside him and I take it right after I neatly put away my uniform jacket and ribbon. He waits for me to find a comfortable position then throws his arms around my neck without letting go of the letter. Why is that letter so important to him? After all, that letter is the one that brought him in this condition.

Sleeping next to Gilbert isn't as bad as I thought. He smells like flowers and his warm breath against my neck feels nice and warm. I wouldn't mind if we did it again.

The next morning came fast and I wake up to find the room empty. Maybe Karl has already left for breakfast. Wait, this is not my bed, I'm not even in my room. Suddenly I recall what happened the other night, how I came to Gilbert's room and he asked me to stay, how I accepted because he really needed me. But where is he now?

The door opens and Gilbert enters looking rather lively.

"You're up? Finally! How can you sleep so much in the morning? Breakfast is already over. You're lucky there aren't any classes today, you wouldn't have made it on time." He's back to his usual self again and I'm glad of that.

"Looks like you're better today."

"Actually I've never felt better." He's bluffing, I know it. He's still a little pale and doesn't look like he got too much sleep last night. "In a few hours the entire school will know that the model student Serge Battour slept with me." What? What is he talking about? Nothing happened.

"But…but why? Why would you do that? Nothing happened" I say with a trembling voice.

"What? You think I did something?" he looks at me amused "I didn't have to do anything. Karl was looking for you all over the place. Everyone knows you didn't sleep in your room last night. Sooner or later someone will see you getting out of this room and in a matter of hours everyone will know and you have no idea what stories their imagination cam make up. No one will believe you even if you tell them the truth."

Why Gilbert? Why are you doing this? Is this a lesson you want to teach me?

There's no way back anymore but I don't regret anything.

"I don't care what they think. We know the truth and that's good enough for me."

"You're saying big words aren't you? Why don't you go out there?" he opens the door for me and I have no other choice but go, but then I stop as I see Karl standing in the middle of the hall way. He doesn't say anything instead he makes his way through the crowd dragging me along. We stop only when we reach our room and the door is safely closed behind us.

"Are you out of your mind?" he says looking shocked, concerned and disappointed at the same time. "What have you done?"

"Nothing happened, I swear."

"I believe you but no one else will."

"Pascal will believe me too and that's enough for me."

"Are you sure you're fully aware of the situation you put yourself into? And not only you, us too because we're your friends."

"If you want to stop being my friend you can do it anytime. Don't worry I'll move out of this room."

"Wait…I didn't mean it like that…" Karl was interrupted when Pascal burst into the room.

"What the hell were you thinking? I never thought you would go so far."

I waited for them to calm down and told them the entire story. They seemed to believe it and I was glad that I still had friends to come along with me on this road with no return.

I want to thank Eirina for the reviews and support. Thanks!


	9. My Serge

Chapter 9 – My Serge

I hate him. How could he do this to me? He's such an idiot.

I've been waiting for this letter the whole semester and now this happens.

Rosmarine came personally to deliver this letter to me. He always does it. It's not like he has to do it too often. He said there's good news for me and that's the reason why he gave it to me early.

He was so wrong…

'Invite a friend for Christmas' he says, 'I want to meet your friends' he says….Augu's such an idiot. I only have Christmas with him because he's leaving to Paris for the New Year and he's sending me back to school. Yet he wants me to bring a 'friend'. Who am I supposed to take? Blough? Jacques? Even thinking about them makes me sick.

Everyone is going home for Christmas and spend it with their families and even if they didn't it's not like I have a friend to take along. The only acceptable option in this situation would be Serge. But that's impossible now isn't it? He has learned his lesson and stays away from me.

It's not fair…I want to be alone with Augu, bringing Serge along is certainly not an option.

He made me so angry that I turned the entire room upside down and I don't do that too often. It happens sometimes when I have to fight with Blough or Jaques but that's just because those idiots won't leave me alone when I tell them to.

Idiot…

Sometimes I wish I could forget all about Augu, I wish someone could come into my life, someone special and I wouldn't need Augu anymore. But who would do that? Who would see me as a normal person for once and not as a toy or a whore?

I feel a hand on my back and I hear Serge's gentle voice calling my name. When did he get in here? I didn't hear the door open. Why did he come back?

"What happened, Gilbert?" Do you really care? Is that why you came, because you care about me? Are you that special someone? If you are, then prove it to me, over and over again. Maybe one day I will believe it and I'll be out of this misery, but until then you're going to have to play my game, be my toy.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Are you scared, Serge? Don't you want to run away?

"Alright, I'll stay…just for tonight." I'm impressed but do know what you're doing? "Why don't you get ready while I clean this place up a bit?" I will do as you say but don't think you're my boss. I get my clothes off and get in my bed, naked as usual then I watch his every move as he gathers the scattered papers. "Don't you want to put that away?" Augu's letter? No… If I can't touch him I want at least to touch the same thing he did. I want to hold it for tonight. Tomorrow I'll put it in the box with the other letters from him.

Make me throw that box away Serge…please…

He's going towards the empty bed but I stop him. I need him here with me, to hold me….I want to feel his warm body, I want him to be Augu's replacement for tonight. "Come here, beside me."

"You mean in your bed?" I nod and he hesitates. Prove it to me…prove me you're the one I need. "If you don't want to, then leave me alone."

"Alright, but that's all that's going to be. If you do anything I'll leave before you know it." That's fine with me. I don't feel like toying with you tonight anyway.

"I won't do anything, I promise." He comes beside me and I put my arms around his neck and he doesn't push me back nor does he frown.

The night passes slowly and I can't sleep. Torturing thoughts keep me awake and I can't get rid of them but Serge's warmth makes it bearable. Do you know how much I need you right now, Serge? Do you know how glad I am that you came back to me? I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want to need you so much. Augu is the only one I want and the only one I used to need but you changed everything, now I need you too… But I still don't want you, I don't want you in my private life, I don't want you to stay between me and Augu and I don't want you to take Augu's place. I want you to stay away from him and I'll do everything to keep you away from MY Augu.

The holyday is approaching fast and I want you to stay away from me for now, until after Christmas.

As morning came I started to feel better and it's all thanks to you Serge. I'm really grateful but you'll never know that.

I get up, get dressed and leave for breakfast, I'm not really hungry but I can't sleep anyway. Some of the boys are in the cafeteria already and among them Serge's friends. Karl is agitated asking around if anyone has seen Serge and he doesn't see me but Pascal noticed me and calls my name.

"What about you Gilbert? Have you seen Serge?"

"Maybe" I say pretending that I don't care what's happening over at their table.

"Did you or did you not? This is serious, Gilbert. Serge is missing since last night. Don't you care what happens to him?"

"No, not at all" I say as I take my tray to an empty table not too far from theirs. I sit at the table so that I can face Karl and Pascal and start eating.

It seems that my little conversation with Pascal made Karl angry because he comes towards me and hits the table with both fists making everyone around frown.

"How can you be like this after all that he did for you? How can you be so coldhearted, Gilbert?" He is really concerned for Serge. I can see him holding his tears as he shouts at me.

Is that what people do for their friends? But is friendship something meant to never break apart?

"I've seen him somewhere in the dorm last night."

"You mean he didn't get out of the building?" There's hope in his trembling voice now that he knows Serge didn't leave the dorm.

"I'm sure he didn't" I take another bite of food and calmly take my time to chew.

"Where did you see him?" he asks again.

"I can't remember." He doesn't ask any more questions instead he goes back at his table. He must have noticed that continuing this conversation is pointless. At least he found out something and that seems to calm him down. I'm sure he'll make a search party and look for Serge all around the dorm. Perfect, everything goes the way I planed.

I finish my breakfast and go back to my room to find Serge awake. He slept like a baby all night so he must be in a good mood but no need to worry, I'll change that soon.

"You're up? Finally! How can you sleep so much in the morning? Breakfast is already over. You're lucky there aren't any classes today, you wouldn't have made it on time."

"Looks like you're better today." He looks happy for some reason and seeing him happy makes me happy too a little.

I want to see that smile of yours a little longer Serge but there's no time for that now. Karl is coming to look for you and he's going to be here any minute now.

"Actually I've never felt better." Pretending that everything's fine is something I guess I could do even after a whole night without any sleep. "In a few hours the entire school will know that the model student Serge Battour slept with me." His smile is gone in a blink of an eye and nothing would bring it back anymore.

"But…but why? Why would you do that? Nothing happened" he's on a merge to cry but stays strong.

"What? You think I did something?" "I didn't have to do anything. Karl was looking for you all over the place. Everyone knows you didn't sleep in your room last night. Sooner or later someone will see you getting out of this room and in a matter of hours everyone will know and you have no idea what stories their imagination can make up. No one will believe you even if you tell them the truth." I'm sorry Serge but that's the truth.

What's going to happen now? Are Karl and Pascal going to stop being your friends or are you going to run away from me, this time for good?

"I don't care what they think. We know the truth and that's good enough for me."

"You're saying big words aren't you? Why don't you go out there?"

He leaves through the open door just to stop in front of Karl and some other boys and I watch them as they disappear taking my Serge away this time for good.


	10. Merry Christmas?

Chapter 10 – Merry Christmas?

A lot has changed since then. I thought it wouldn't…I hoped it wouldn't…but it did. Now I realize that things will never be the same again, no one in this school will ever see me the same way again, I lost even the little respect some of them had for me and there is no way back.

I don't regret anything though, Gilbert needs me and he is in the same situation as I am now. Maybe this is for the best. Now I understand him a lot better.

"You must be Serge Battour." The voice stops my mind from wandering and I look around to see who it belongs to. A tall man with long hair up to his shoulders stands just a few steps away from me.

I've never seen him before so I wander how come he knows my name.

"Yes….I am."

"You sure look a lot like him."

"Excuse me?" What is he talking about? Who is this man?

"Aslan…I'm sorry. You don't know me. Let me introduce myself. I am August Beau. I used to be in the same class as your father here at Laconblade when I was your age." He knew my father…maybe he can tell me more about father.

Everyone says that I look like my father, that I am talented like my father, that I am a good person just like my father was but I can't remember much about him.

"You were friends with my father?" The thought of meeting my father's friends makes me enthusiastic maybe too enthusiastic for my own good sometimes because then there are many reasons to be disappointed, besides….my father is not coming back but I just can't stop hanging on to the past.

"No, we weren't that close. He saved my life once though and I saved his in return. I don't like to have debts so I pay them back as soon as I can." He gives me a long look and I think he noticed my disappointment. He wasn't my father's friend after all…it would have been too good to be true… "You look disappointed. I understand how you feel, you hoped that I could tell you about your father since you don't remember him well, am I right?" He reads me like an open book… Taking my silence as a 'yes' and goes on "I wasn't your father's friend but I can tell you some things if you want to know. Shall we go for a walk?" He shows me the path that goes to the forest and we start walking side by side. "Your father was very popular among students andteachers back then. Everyone admired him for his talent and popularity with girls. He could have any girl he wanted in Arles but he only had eyes for Pavia. There are a lot of things to say about both of them but maybe this isn't the perfect time to do it. How about we talk about it over dinner tonight?"

I have no idea who this man is except that he's a poet but he is so kind. I wonder if he knows how much this means to me. I really appreciate the time he is willing to spend with me.

"I don't think I should." I really want to but I don't want to be rude.

"Why not? I have some things to do here so I'm going to stay in the nearby town a few days. I'm free in the evening and it would be nice to have someone to accompany me at dinner instead of eating alone. Dinner will be on me of course."

I want to go but should I accept it? There's nothing wrong in it so…

"Thank you for everything."

"It's settled then, I'll pick you up at six. Is that alright with you?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Now if you'll excuse me someone is waiting for me. It was a pleasure to meet you Serge."

"I'm pleased too meet you too, sir." I reply as I watch him leave towards the school's main building.

Time passed slowly, it always does when you are looking forward to something so I decided that I really need to do something to take my mind off of this. I can't just sit around all day, doing nothing, even if classes are over.

There's something on my mind though, something that's been bothering me ever since I heard that man's name: August Beau. I know it shouldn't bother me since he's a poet and all but still…the name is too familiar. Gilbert…yes, thatnight when I cleaned his room there was a paper with the name Augu written all over it. I never thought too much about it since it was the only thing written on the paper but I did figure out that this Augu person was the one hurting Gilbert. I never asked him about it. If he wants me to know about his personal life he will tell me on his own, until then I'll be by his side. Still I can't believe that August Beau is Gilbert's Augu. He doesn't look like a bad person.

Six o'clock is almost here so I get dressed and run down the corridor as I wave goodbye to Karl.

Karl was happy for me when I told him the story. He said that finding out more about my father would bring me into a better mood after this 'misunderstanding' as he liked to call it and it will help me bear things better until it's over. But it's not going to be over and we both know it, yet Karl is trying to protect me. It's true that I had a tough time lately but I tried not to show it. The only ones who know are my best friends but somewhere deep inside I have a feeling that Gilbert knows too because he smirks whenever I see him and sometimes, when everybody can hear, he reminds me about that night.

I run to the gate and find a black carriage waiting for me in front of it. I get in and greet politely.

"I'm sorry I made you wait." It's not like I'm late but I hate making people wait for me.

"There's no problem at all, in fact we still have to wait for somebody" he says as he checks his watch "I hope he won't be too late." Who are we waiting for? I thought it was going to be just the two of us but I don't let him know about my disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against a third person but in these circumstances we won't be able to talk about my father so much.

After a few minutes the door opens and Gilbert gets in taking a seat near August. I am too surprised to say something.

When he spotted me he looked surprised for a second then his glare threw ice daggers at me.

"Gilbert, be polite and greet our guest" says August "He is going to join us for dinner this evening so I expect you to be at your best behavior" Gilbert doesn't answer, instead he turns to absently look outside. "I'm really sorry about this" he continues talking to me this time "my nephew isn't the most mannered person."

My intuition turned out to be right. August Beau isGilbert's Augu but I still can't believe it. I wander what the true relation between them is and why was Gilbert so angry when he saw me?

I can't stop having the feeling that I'm interfering something here.

Gilbert is dressed so elegant…too elegant for the occasion I dare to say, he looks like he is torn from the sun. He did his best to look perfect for the occasion and he obviously didn't do it for me.

The carriage stopped and we entered the restaurant where the waiter showed us our table. Gilbert took a seat near August but as far as possible from me and he still wouldn't say anything.

While waiting for the order August broke the silence.

"You really do look a lot like your father and I hear that you are talented too but I wonder if you inherited his personality too." I look at him a bit surprised not knowing where this is going. "He was a good person but he was too stubborn for his own good and he lost so much because of that. You see…your father didn't know how to give up and that's why he suffered so much. Life could have been a lot easier for him if he gave up on your mother." I don't know why but the last sentence hurt me deep inside and I swear I saw a smirk on Gilbert's face. Later on August explained to me what he meant. It seems that my father was a nonconformist and he married my mother even though his family was against it. When the school heard about this he was rejected by most of his friends and he got into a lot of trouble so he had to leave Laconblade and run away with my mother.

August told me a lot of other stories about those times like the one where he saved my father's life and I was happy to listen since I didn't know that one.

He only talked to me and I couldn't help noticing Gilbert's desperate attempts to get his attention.

Gilbert waited patiently for a while listening to the story though I'm sure he wasn't interested at all, then clinched on August's arm and I felt really sorry for him when August didn't react in any way.

August finishes his story and Gilbert lightens up a bit but what comes next is the last straw for him.

"Do you have any plans for Christmas?" asks August. I thought about it before and I decided that I won't go at my aunt's. I don't want to be the center of everyone's attention and subject for gossip at some fancy Christmas party.

"No, not really. I was thinking of catching up a bit with my school work" I answer.

"You can't spend your winter holiday at school studying. Why don't you join us for Christmas and I will take you back to school before the New Year. I have some work to do in Paris but I'm sure you won't mind coming back early. At least you won't be alone."

Gilbert stands up, hits the table with both fists and speaks for the first time ever since we came here.

"I won't take this. You can't be serious. I won't allow him to ruin our Christmas."

He startles me but August seems to be very relaxed, like he was expecting this to happen.

"It seems a very good idea to me, this way you two can get to know each other better and Serge won't be alone either."

It's very nice of him to invite me but maybe I shouldn't accept not after this. It's obvious that Gilbert doesn't want me there and I can understand. The truth is that I am a bit sad because I saw this as a good opportunity to find out more about Gilbert but I can't be angry, not with Gilbert.

"It's very nice of you to invite me but I can't accept" I say.

"Nonsense, I won't take 'no' for an answer." August smiled at me ignoring Gilbert once again.

On our way back to school there is an awkward silence but as soon as we get off and see the carriage drifting away Gilbert slaps my cheek and runs towards the dorm building. I stand there for a second, startled then walk to my room.

"What happened to you?" asks Karl as soon as I enter the room and he sees my red cheek.

"Gilbert slapped me." I could lie to him, I could tell him it was nothing but I need to talk to someone right now about this uncomfortable situation I'm in. I know he can't help me or give me any advice but even the fact that he listens is enough for me so I start telling him everything from the beginning.


	11. School Affairs

Chapter 11 – School Affairs

I take a deep breath and knock on the imposing wooden door.

"Come in" says a low voice behind it. Here goes nothing. This has been a ritual for many years. The principal calls me in a few days before the exam to 'talk about my grade'. Talk…huh…right. The old man can't keep his fingers away from me and he calls that talking. Last year he managed to say one sentence since I unbuttoned my shirt and until I left which was about an hour later. 'I see a promising student with a promising future…' he said. He gave me a very good grade and Rosmarine got mad, he doesn't like it when I get a good grade especially in Latin which is his specialty.

I don't care about grades though, I just want to pass and get the hell out of this dungeon.

So here I go, firmly opening the door.

"Ah, Gilbert, I've been expecting you. Close the door and come here" he says patting the corner of his desk. I obey and sit then I unbutton my shirt and take off the ribbon. He touches my chin, lifting it up a bit then traces an invisible line with his middle finger down my neck then chest until he reaches my pants.

"Beautiful as ever…" he says. I can feel the lust in his voice, it makes me sick, but I do everything he tells me to.

One hour later he gives me a paper, tells me to copy it in my hand writing and turn it over at the exam.

"By the way…" what does he want now? "Rosmarine is waiting for you." This can only mean one thing. He has a letter for me from Augu.

I run out of the principal's office not even bothering to button up my shirt. Everyone stares at me and whispers something about 'whore' and 'indecent' but I don't care, all I can think about is Augu.

"How dare you come in here like that?" says Rosmarine as soon as I bust in his room "Get out, make yourself decent, knock then come in." I don't have time for his stupid games so I don't move.

"The letter" I say raising my hand but he hits my palm with his stick. "The letter…please…" I say raising the other hand and putting the hurt one down but he hits me again "I'm not leaving without the letter" I continue.

"There is no letter…" he says. I feel so hopeless, I need a letter so bad… but he can't understand that. He wouldn't be toying with me if he did. "…just a note." I lighten up a bit. That's good enough for me too as long as it's from my Augu.

"Give it to me!" Maybe he doesn't like my tone because he hits me again, harder this time. I fall on the floor but I still look up at him.

I'm not leaving without MY note no matter what you do to me, Rosmarine. Get used to it and hand it over already.

He hits me once again with his stick then gives me the note. "Get out!" There is no reason for me to stay here any longer so I do as he says.

This is the happiest day I had in a long time. The note says that Augu wants me to join him for dinner tonight; he's picking me up at six. I don't even feel the pain in my body anymore when I think that tonight it's going to be just the two of us.

I don't want to be late so I started getting ready a long time ago and now it's time for me to go, he must be here already. I run down the stairs and storm out of the dorm building, then down the alley that goes to the front gate.

He's here but as I enter the carriage I see that he is not alone, Serge is here too. Why did he come here anyway? This is my time with my Augu and he is not supposed to be here. I know it's not his fault though, it's Augu's. It's always Augu's fault. I hate him, I hate him so much but I can't stop loving him. I'm trapped in his net and I run around in circles but I can't get out.

The dinner is even worse. Augu keeps babbling about some dead person I don't even know nor do I care about and he wouldn't even look at me after I did my best to look perfect for him. I hoped I would convince him to let me spend the night with him too but I ended up saying nothing at all until he invited Serge for Christmas.

Things didn't go as I planed. I thought he would let me decide who to invite for Chritmas and if I told him at the last moment that the person can't come he would forget all about it and it will be just the two of us. But no, he had to be one step ahead and I will be stuck with Serge for the holiday. That will only happen over my dead body.

"I won't take this. You can't be serious. I won't allow him to ruin our Christmas" I say hitting the table with both fists and making everyone there look at me.

"It seems a very good idea to me, this way you two can get to know each other better and Serge won't be alone either." I don't care if he's alone or not, he just can't come. No one can come.

"It's very nice of you to invite me but I can't accept" What is Serge doing? Is he trying to make me like him or something? But maybe if he refuses Augu will listen to him.

"Nonsense, I won't take 'no' for an answer." He smiles but I know that the decision was made, not even Serge can change his mind now.

I swear I will make his life miserable and he will run back to school in no time. If he thinks that night was the worst that can happen he is so wrong, the real nightmare begins when I pull the strings.

We get back to school and I slap him, it's not like he doesn't deserve it, then I run to my room. I just want to go sleep and forget all about this miserable day.

I close the door behind me and light the lamp but only then I notice that I'm not alone. Jacques is in my bed all naked smirking at me.

"I've been waiting for you for quite a while" he says.

"Get out" I say showing him the door.

"Don't be so hostile. Don't you want to know why I'm here?" As a matter of fact I don't. I just want you out.

"What do you want?"

"The question is what do you want? You want to pass the history exam tomorrow, right? Well I happen to know the questions and I happen to have the answers and I happen to want to give it to you for a good price." I wish I could wipe that smile off of his face but he got me there. Blough and Jacques always know what I want, or better said what I need when it comes to school affairs.

"You have one hour" I say taking my shirt off and getting my alarm clock but he puts his hand over mine stopping me from setting the alarm.

"It wasn't easy to get the paper done, I had to pull all the strings I have in this school to get it and I want the fair price for my work." Your work? Cut the crap. Everybody knows you have your minions to do the job for you and in the end you get the payment. "The whole night would be a fair price."

"Show it to me?" You didn't think I would let you have your way with me without any proof that you're not trying to trick me?

"You think I'm stupid or something?" he barks "You didn't think I would bring it here so you can steal it then throw me out, did you?" As a matter of fact I do think you are stupid. "Tell me Gilbert…" he starts with a calm voice "did I ever disappoint you with things like this?" You wouldn't dare to because you want me so bad. You're addicted to me. But I can't let my guard down, can I?

"Not yet but I still don't trust you. I want proof." What am I saying, I must be really desperate. How can I have proof that he knows the questions from tomorrow's history test? He can give me any paper he wants just to get in my pants. I guess I will just have to believe him for now but if it's a trick he'll pay for it.

"You want proof? Fine" He gets his jacket and takes a paper out of its inner pocket "Here's your proof" he says as he throws the paper in my face "These are the questions. There is a paper with the answers too but you'll get that first thing in the morning if you give me what I want."

There's no other choice for me. The history teacher is one of those teachers here who won't give me a passing grade in exchange of an hour of pleasure so I have to obey and give Jacques what he wants.


	12. Gilbert's Mystery

Chapter 12 – Gilbert's Mystery

I haven't talked to Gilbert since the evening we had dinner with August Beau. I meant to talk to him but I didn't have the chance with all the exams we had and besides he was avoiding me. Karl and Pascal said that the exams were the most important thing right now especially for me since I was behind the others. They were right. Besides I have all winter holiday to talk to Gilbert.

All the hard work paid off when the results of the exams were shown. Karl and I are on top of our class unlike our friend Pascal who only seems to care about genetically mutated roses.

The holiday is about to begin and everybody is busy packing, me and my friends are no exception.

"You're packing? I thought you weren't going home" said Pascal confused. I never told Pascal about the invitation I received from August Beau but not because I didn't want to, it just slipped my mind.

"I'm not going home" I say putting my cloths in a suitcase.

"August Beau invited him for Christmas" explained Karl on a tone which made it obvious that he didn't like the idea.

Pascal stuck a little finger in his ear and twisted it a couple of times then took it out "Do you mind repeating the last sentence please?"

"It's true and it's not like he gave me a choice either. I tried to refuse but he wouldn't listen."

"You should have said that I invited you to spend the Christmas with my family" said Pascal like he was stating the obvious.

"You wanted me to lie?"

"It would have only been a white lie and I would have covered up for you."

"A lie is a lie. There's no white or black in a lie."

"It's not like that, Serge. You see, sometimes it's alright to tell a lie in order to get away from something bad."

"What makes you think Christmas with August Beau is something bad?"

"It's not August that we're afraid of, it's Gilbert" explained Karl "Everything is bad enough as it is. I don't think a week with Gilbert will help at all."

"By the way…" I try to change the subject "Aren't you packing?" I ask Pascal.

"No, I'm only leaving tomorrow anyway. I hate leaving with everyone else. It's always noisy and crowed everywhere on the first day." That's Pascal, he likes peace and quiet and a good book but that doesn't mean he's no fun to be around.

"I have to go now" said Karl locking his suitcase "I'll see you after the New Year, have a nice holiday and Serge….promise you'll take care of yourself."

"I promise" I have to promise, otherwise Karl wouldn't be satisfied even though I think he is over reacting.

Karl left, Pascal went back to his research at the science lab and since I packed everything already and I still have a few hours until August comes for us I decide to go to the forest. The forest is the only quiet place on the school grounds this time of year when everybody is packing, saying goodbye to their friends, is running to catch a train or is waiting for their parents to get them. Pascal was right, it's too crowded today. It's funny though that it doesn't seem so crowded on any other day even though the number of people on the school grounds is the same.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I like the smell of winter and I like snow, the cold air is refreshing and the snow is fun to play with.

When I open my eyes I see Gilbert standing a few steps away in front of me. When did he get here anyway, I didn't hear him coming? I swear that this boy wanders like a ghost, when he walks it's like he doesn't even touch the ground.

"Gilbert…what are you doing? Do you want to give me a heart attack?" I'm exaggerating now but he did scare me a little.

"That wouldn't be a bad idea" he says making a step closer to me "You have one more chance to refuse Augu's invitation" another step "When he comes tell him that one of your friends invited you already. Pascal is still here and I'm sure he'll cover for you" another step. He is only a few centimeters away from me and he's really scary. I've never seen Gilbert so determined before. He is like a hungry wolf protecting it's pray from the rest of the pack. I'm not going to give up though no mater how scared I am. I want to know more about him and August Beau and I'm not going to miss this chance, now I'm more determined than ever.

"No." I shout "I won't lie."

"Not even to save your life?" I gasp as I see a penknife slip from his left sleeve right into his palm. It only takes him a second to put the tip of the knife under my chin.

I've never seen Gilbert like that before and I never knew he could handle a knife that way. I'm scared, I really am but I can't let him see that, if he does he wins.

"Don't think that I'm not going to use it too." With that he puts the knife in his pocket and leaves before I can say anything.

August's carriage is here and while the cabby helps us with the luggage I can see Gilbert watching me from the corner of his eye. I pretend that I didn't notice and take the seat opposite to August. I won't give him satisfaction by trying to refuse the invitation again.

After telling the cabby to go August starts a conversation. Maybe he noticed how tensed both Gilbert and I are and tries to make us feel more comfortable.

"Tell me about you, Serge. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to lose your parents at a young age."

"I'm alright thanks to my aunt. She was nice and took me in when the rest of the family still didn't want to know about me. She took good care of me and I'm really grateful. I was only five when my mother died so I didn't really understand what was happening very well and I think that helped a lot when I had too move on and start a new life with my aunt." Gilbert turns around and looks at me and I think I see him soften down a bit. He was really angry when we left. I think I see pity in those emerald green eyes and I don't want that but it makes me happy to see that he cares about me.

"I'm really sorry to hear about your family. It's shameful when family members don't help each other. I hope the situation has changed since then."

No, it didn't. I don't know why though I haven't done anything wrong. I never understood why they never got over my father's relationship with my mother.

"My other aunt visits me sometimes but I still haven't met my grandparents."

"I'm sorry to hear that" says August but the kindness in his voice makes me forget about the sadness that overwhelmed me when I talked about my family.

I never talked about the relationship with my family, not even with Karl who is my closest friend and I certainly didn't want Gilbert to know about this. I'm just glad when Gilbert changes the conversation.

"Augu? Why do you have to go to Paris anyway? I want to stay home with you for a while longer."

"I told you I have some business there and I can't reschedule but I promise that you can come home in spring and I'll write you until then."

August is a famous poet, no wonder he is a busy person but Gilbert is so spoiled that he can't even be happy with what he gets. I never received a letter from my aunt since I came here.

I wander where are Gilbert's parent though? Is he an orphan like me?

"But spring is so far away why do I have to wait until then?" Gilbert complains.

"You know very well that I have work to do" August explains patiently.

Gilbert is so lucky to have an uncle who loves him so much. I still can't imagine how he ended up like this. Does August even know about Gilbert's relationships with Blough and Jacques, about the fact that he buys the passing grades with his body and about the way he seduces everyone who wants to help him?

A few more hours pass and we arrive at August's mansion. I can't help but stare in awe at the house and the beautiful garden. My mother would have loved a garden like this. I remember that she liked flowers very much. She always used to put flowers everywhere in the house especially roses. White roses were her favorites. If I close my eyes I can imagine how this garden looks in summer…

"What are you dreaming about?" Gilbert's voice brings me back to reality.

"I was imagining this garden full of flowers and the birds singing in the trees and…"

"You're weird. Did you know that?" he cuts me off. "You didn't listen to me did you? You came here to steal Augu away from me." He thinks I came to steal his uncle and I'm the weird one?

"Gilbert….what are you talking about?"

"You receive all his attention but don't think too high of yourself. He's nice to you only because you are the guest."

"Gilbert…" What IS he talking about? How can I steal his uncle and why would I do that? He can't possibly think that I came here to replace my aunt with his uncle.

"Serge you should come in. It's cold outside" says August and Gilbert runs inside after him while I still try to figure out the mysterious blonde.


	13. A New Beginning

Chapter 13 – A New Beginning

"Why the hell did you want to see me?" said Blough annoyed "You know I am going home today."

"I know but I want you to do something for me" I say bluntly.

"What do you want now?"

"I want you to take care of that model student."

"You mean Serge Battour? What do you want me to do with him?"

"I don't care just as long as he doesn't appear until at least tomorrow."

"What? Are you nuts? Do you want Rosmarine to expel me?" Yes I would certainly enjoy that but that is not my main priority right now.

"Since when are you afraid of Rosmarine?" I ask amused but he ignores me and goes on.

"Besides even if I did it I wouldn't have the time to get my reward since my train leaves in a few hours." That would certainly save me from a lot of trouble but I really need someone to do this. Jacques has already left so I can't ask him.

"You'll get one night after the holiday."

"No way! One night is not enough for a job like this and by that time you'll find a way to get away without giving me my rightful share of the bargain. I'm not doing it" and with that he stormed out of my room.

Blough is such a useless guy. 'Do you want Rosmarine to expel me?' that doesn't sound like the tough guy he pretends to be.

I guess I'll just have to do this on my own so I grab my penknife from the drawer and leave the room. I don't really need to hurt him or anything just to threaten him a bit, I'm sure he'll run away.

I go to his room but he's not there. With a little luck he's not in this stupid crowd that's all over the school grounds either.

After looking for him all over the place I try the forest, it's one of his favorite places after all. Even though it's cold outside he could be there so I run towards the forest. It seems that I was right so I decide to finish quickly with this.

I stop and keep some distance between us because I want him to notice me first instead of me approaching him fast.

After a while he finally opens his eyes and sees me "Gilbert…what are you doing? Do you want to give me a heart attack?" No, not really. I don't want you to die because you are too important to me.

"That wouldn't be a bad idea" I say making a step closer to him. Now that he noticed me I can make my move. "You have one more chance to refuse Augu's invitation" another step "When he comes tell him that one of your friends invited you already. Pascal is still here and I'm sure he'll cover for you" another step. See? I even thought of an excuse for you, I thought it all out. All you have to do is listen to me and do as I say.

"No." he shouts "I won't lie." No? Why not? Back then you didn't want this so bad, you were practically forced into this. What made you change your mind, Serge? Never mind, I'll help you change your mind again. It's not that hard, let me show you.

"Not even to save your life?" I let the penknife slip from under my sleeve, catch it and flip it on. It only takes me a second to put the tip of the knife under his chin. I bet you weren't expecting this from me. In order to survive I had to learn how to use one of these even though, to be honest, I hate it. I hate violence but violence is everywhere in my life and I can't run away from it so I have to face it. And you can only face violence with violence otherwise you're weak.

This is a good lesson for you Serge, if you really want to be my friend that is.

"Don't think that I'm not going to use it too." With that I flip the penknife off and shove it in my pocket then leave.

That look on his face was priceless: he was so determined and yet so scared, I can't help but laugh. If he gets scared out of that then he knows nothing about real life, my life anyway.

Augu is finally here. I've been waiting for this all day, no all week. I can't believe I can finally jump in Augu's arms again and kiss him and make him all mine…but there still is one more problem, Serge.

If he doesn't decline Augu's invitation I'm going to make his life miserable until he's going to run crying back to school.

The carriage leaves and I'm still waiting for Serge to say the magic words but he doesn't say anything. He's tougher than I thought. I have to keep that in mind and never underestimate him again.

After a while Augu breaks the silence "Tell me about you, Serge. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to lose your parents at a young age." I can't believe he still wants to talk about dead people. Maybe if I were dead he would talk about me more.

"I'm alright thanks to my aunt. She was nice and took me in when the rest of the family still didn't want to know about me. She took good care of me and I'm really grateful. I was only five when my mother died so I didn't really understand what was happening very well and I think that helped a lot when I had too move on and start a new life with my aunt." I turn to look at him. I had no idea his situation was like that. I mean he is always so happy and nice to everyone, it's like he is living in his perfect little world where nothing bad can touch him.

"I'm really sorry to hear about your family. It's shameful when family members don't help each other. I hope the situation has changed since then."

"My other aunt visits me sometimes but I still haven't met my grandparents." What is he trying to do? I have a perfect family. Does he want to ruin that for me? Does he want Augu's pity? He gets more attention than he deserves anyway. I won't let this go on anymore.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Augu? Why do you have to go to Paris anyway? I want to stay home with you for a while longer." That should change things. Let's see who gets Augu's attention now.

"I told you I have some business there and I can't reschedule but I promise that you can come home in spring and I'll write you until then." That would be wonderful, last year he didn't let me come home on the spring holiday.

"But spring is so far away why do I have to wait until then?"

"You know very well that I have work to do" Yes, you always have work to do. Your work and my school are the only things that stay between us that I can't eliminate.

Why does life have to be so cruel? Why do people who love each other have to be torn apart by some useless things like these? Oh, how I with Serge would understand the way I feel about Augu but he obviously can't because he's never been so deeply in love.

After a long journey we arrive home. No one can imagine how much I missed this place. This is the place where the best things in my life happened…and the worst things too. This place is the boundary between heaven and hell, between right and wrong, life and death.

But this is also the only place where I truly belong. I don't belong in that stupid school where nobody wants me anyway.

I start following Augu to the front door but then I notice that Serge is staring into space for some unknown reason.

"What are you dreaming about?" I think he left to the perfect little world in his head again.

"I was imagining this garden full of flowers and the birds singing in the trees and…" I knew it.

"You're weird. Did you know that?" I cut him off. "You didn't listen to me did you? You came here to steal Augu away from me."

"Gilbert….what are you talking about?" Is he playing dumb with me or is he really dumb. How can he not notice that since he's here it's like I'm invisible.

"You receive all his attention but don't think too high of yourself. He's nice to you only because you are the guest."

"Gilbert…"

"Serge you should come in. It's cold outside" says August and I run inside after him leaving Serge outside.

Why did Augu have to call him instead of me? Why does he always do that?


	14. Inside Struggle (part 1)

Chapter 14 – Inside Struggle (part 1)

It's morning already? I wander what time it is so I take a look at the clock on the night table. 11 o'clock? Is it that late already? How could I sleep in like that? But this bed is really comfortable and I suppose I was tired after the long trip the other day and… everything else.

I hope Gilbert and August had breakfast already. I would hate myself if they have been up for a while and they are waiting for me so I decide to get up and get ready for the day even though I don't feel like it. It doesn't happen to me very often but sometimes I like to stay in bed for a while, especially when I don't have to attend classes or church. Well this is one of those days and I would have definitely stayed in bed if I didn't feel so guilty.

I reach the end of the hall and now I can clearly hear Gilbert's voice. He seems to be in a good mood today. After going down a few stairs I can see Gilbert and August downstairs in the main hall.

"I wander if Serge is alright" says August "He didn't look so good the other day."

"Does it matter? You have me to keep you company" says Gilbert prancing and dancing around August. I've never seen him so happy before. He's smiling and this time it's from the depth of his heart. He's giving August the most genuine smile I've ever seen him give to anyone, a smile that makes him glow.

"Now Gilbert, you should behave, he is our guest and it's normal for me to be concerned about his well being."

"I'm sure he'll be coming down eventually" starts Gilbert "but until then I want us to have some time for ourselves" he continues on a more seductive tone while he puts his arms around August's neck. The next thing I see is him closing the distance between them and I close my eyes. I can't watch this. This is just wrong.

My heart starts beating fast as I realize what had actually happened; Gilbert kissed his uncle in the same way he kisses Blough and Jacques and… me. I never imagined that this was the nature of their relationship… this is so wrong.

A mixture of feelings suddenly overwhelms me. I am angry; angry with August because he allows this to happen, sad because Gilbert has degraded himself so much and I had no idea how bad the situation really was I'm also a little happy because I can see Gilbert happy for the first time and I really want him to be but not like this. But most of all I'm frustrated. What I do know however is that Gilbert needs help more than I thought.

Regaining my composure is not easy but eventually I manage to do it and go downstairs.

"Good morning" I say trying to give them a smile, as if nothing happened.

"Good morning. Is everything alright?" asks August concerned.

Gilbert turns from August to look at me but he doesn't let him go. Does he do it on purpose because he knows that I don't like it or this is just normal for him?

"Yes, I just overslept that's all."

"Well then…I'm just glad you're alright. Why don't you go in the kitchen and have breakfast? Gilbert and I have finished already" says August showing me the way. I'm glad that I'll be eating alone today. I need some time to think and avoid embarrassing questions.

I never thought Gilbert's life was so complicated… I wander what else I will find out during my stay here. His parents don't seem to be around, maybe he doesn't have any anymore and his uncle, the one who is supposed to be taking care of him has the most inappropriate relationship with him. No wonder Gilbert turned to be like this.

After finishing breakfast I go in the library where Gilbert and August are.

"You have finished already?" asks August when he sees me enter the room.

"Yes, thank you." I haven't been in this room before and I can't help but be amazed by the large number of books. After taking a look around, I read a few titles then take a book out and take a look inside.

"Do you like reading, Serge?" asks August who's been watching me ever since I entered the room.

"Yes, but I didn't have time to read lately since there was a lot of studying I had to do."

"I'm glad to hear that, I wish Gilbert was more like you. You can come here whenever you want and read anything you like." Gilbert doesn't seem to like what August said because he leaves the room. I want to go after him but August stops me. "Let him go. Gilbert always makes a lot of fuss out of everything even unimportant things. If you go after him and try to make him feel better he'll never stop his bad habits." I can't believe he's the one talking about bad habits. It's true that Gilbert is making a fuss over nothing but I'd rather go after him.

"Can I take this book to my room? I'd like to read before bed time" making up a reason to leave is the only way to get out of the room. I'm lying, I know and I hate it but it's not hurting anyone and it's not a big lie.

"Of course, but only if you take it back after you finish with it."

"Thank you" I leave the library and start looking for Gilbert. I find him in the living room with a glass of whine in his hand. "Gilbert what are you doing?"

"Oh, you want one too?" He pours some whine in another glass and hands it to me.

"No, I shouldn't be drinking and neither should you."

"Oh, I forgot. Perfect boys don't drink while they are still underage." He takes the glass back and drinks it in one gulp. How can he do that? I remember having a sip of whine at one of my aunt's parties. It definitely wasn't something I could drink like that.

He puts the empty glass on the table and takes the one he was holding when I came in. I think my awe was obvious because he asks:

"What are you looking at?" I don't answer that, instead I tell him what I wanted to say in the first place.

"Why did you leave the library?"

"You and Augu were having the time of your life. I didn't belong there and I wasn't wanted either."

"Gilbert…that's not true. You're making too much fuss over what your uncle said."

"What Augu said was that he wanted you instead of me" he barked.

"He never said that, Gilbert." How did it come to this? How can he possibly think something like that? He is so obsessed when it comes to his uncle that he doesn't think strait anymore. "You must be drunk to say that."

"I'm not drunk…just leave me alone" Maybe he is not drunk yet but if I leave and he starts drinking again he will definitely be drunk. "Leave already" he barks again and throws the empty glass at the wall behind me.

"Fine."

It wasn't easy for me to leave Gilbert there all alone but there is no way to reason with him when he's like that, he becomes mad and doesn't listen at all. That's why I came back to my room after he broke the glass. I decided to read from the book I borrowed to take my mind off of him.

When I go down for lunch he is still angry, he wouldn't talk at all and he barely eats but at least he calmed down.

"Gilbert, what's wrong?" I try to approach him again after dinner when we are alone.

"If it wasn't for you things would have been better" he answers, obviously still angry.

"You keep on saying that but is it the only thing that's been bothering you?" I have a feeling that he is not angry with me he is just taking it all out on me.

"Of course it is. You managed to make my holiday miserable. You can be proud of yourself."

"Gilbert… I didn't mean to ruin anything for you…" All I want to do is help you, become your friend.

"If you want to do something nice for once then leave. Leave tomorrow, go back to school." He's almost pleading. Tears threaten to come out of his emerald green eyes and he doesn't even try to hold them back or hide them. But Gilbert never cries, no matter what happens to him he never lets tears show his weakness. He must be really hurt.

"No, I won't leave. I was invited here so I have the right to be here. You can't throw me out like that. " He slaps me and tries to run away but I grab his wrist instead. That's enough. I want to settle this once and for all. "I'm doing this for your own good Gilbert. Can't you see that I'm not the problem here? You are not angry with me you are angry with your uncle." His eyes widen in shock and he slaps me again.

"How dare you say something like that? Who are you to judge Augu?"

"I'm not judging him, I'm just telling you the truth but if you can't realize yourself what's going on then you deserve to suffer." I didn't mean to say that Gilbert, I'm sorry. I don't want you to suffer, I don't want you to cry but you are the only one who can put an end to this pain… only you. I can be there for you and I will but I can't do anything in your place.

He doesn't come down for dinner. I wander if he's alright but I don't think I should go talk to him now. Maybe I should just let him be for the time being and I'm sure he'll feel better by tomorrow.

After changing in my night shirt I get in bed and start reading but after a while the door to my room opens and Gilbert comes in crying.

"Gilbert what happened?" He throws himself in my arms and rests his head on my shoulder. I hold him like I did once before and listen to his sobs.

What could have happened to him? What made him come in my room naked and crying after he told me to leave the house?

"Can I stay with you tonight?" he asks softly.

I remember the first night I spent in his room, it was a total fiasco. The entire school found out in less then an hour that I spent the night in Gilbert's room and made up stories about some inexistent relationship between us. It helped Gilbert however. Not being alone meant a lot to him that night.

"Yes, but only if you get dressed." He quietly leaves the room and a few minutes later reappears with a night shirt on.

We both get in bed and lie down facing each other and I wander why he doesn't put his arms around my neck like he did the first time. I miss that feeling of closeness and the warmth of his body, his warm breath against my neck and the smell of flowers.

"Hold me…" he whispers and I gladly do as he says "…tighter…"


	15. Inside Struggle (part2)

Chapter 15 – Inside Struggle (part2)

The next morning I wake up early as usual. Serge is still sleeping so I leave the room as quietly as possible. There is no need to wake him up since breakfast isn't going to be served until another two hours so I go to my room.

Serge won't leave, he's too stubborn and for once I'm glad.

I never expected Augu to reject me even when we are alone. At first I thought he was doing it because of Serge but last night Serge wasn't there, it was just the two of us in his bedroom. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time and when I'm finally there in his room he says he's too tired for it. That's what he said on the first night too 'Now it's not the time Gilbert. We had a long trip today and we're both tired.' I was there wasn't I, which meant I wasn't tired at all. I was happy, I was eager to hold him, to welcome him inside my body, to feel his warmth but I waited for one more day only for his sake.

How can he push me aside two nights in a row? When the anger and sadness was too much to bear I went to Serge. I thought he would push me aside too after I told him to leave and after he said that I deserved to be unhappy but he didn't.

The feeling of his warm body next to mine when we first spent the night in my room is something I can't forget and I didn't even have to pretend that he is Augu either. Last night again, he gave me what Augu didn't and I was really grateful but he is still just a replacement. He can never take Augu's place, no one can.

Maybe today I should play my cards differently. I could use Serge, since he's here and draw Augu's attention. With this new plan in mind I leave the room.

"Gilbert…" I hear Serge calling my name as I head downstairs "Are you alright? You left early this morning."

"Yes, well…unlike you I'm used to getting up early" I taunt him.

"I wander why? You never come to class anyway" he mumbles, perhaps thinking that I didn't hear it, but I did and it makes me laugh.

"There are better things one can do early in the morning than going to class. Of course you wouldn't know that since you always go to class." Teasing him is so much fun.

"Perhaps you should do it too once in a while." Be careful what you wish for Serge, I just might decide to grant your wish one day.

Augu is already seated at the table and Serge takes his usual seat on Augu's right but I decide to sit next to Serge today carefully watching Augu's reaction with the corner of my eye. He doesn't seem to mind at all instead he starts the usual morning conversation with Serge.

"Did you sleep well last night? It was quite cold" asks Augu while the maids bring in the trays.

"It wasn't that cold, was it Serge?" I ask before he could say something "And even if it was cold outside I didn't feel a thing with you so close to me." Everyone in the room could see Serge's face turning red as he bows his head in embarrassment.

"Do you really have to bother our guest with your childish behavior all the time?" he put an accent on 'all the time'. He sounds irritated and bored but I am pleased with the reaction I received from him. I want him to feel the same way he makes me feel when he pushes me away.

"Serge wasn't bothered at all, were you Serge?" A small smirk escapes my lips but this time it wasn't meant for Serge but for Augu, yet Serge sees it and it makes him feel even more uncomfortable than before.

"Please excuse me. I'm not feeling well." He stands putting his napkin neatly on the table and leaves the room without even touching the food.

I would have thought that he was stronger than that, he didn't run away when this happened in front of the entire school, he bared it all this time but now he looks so ashamed. This is all because of Augu though. He has an aura that shows authority and demands respect. No matter what he does you can't think lower of him. Serge must have been overwhelmed and left defenseless.

"I am well aware of the things you do with the boys in school but do you really have to destroy this boy's life? He has a promising future, unlike you, he is talented and on top of that he's a viscount. You are not good enough for him and you will never be." It hurts to hear these kind of words from Augu. How can he not understand that Serge is not the one I want to be good enough for?

"I didn't force him to do anything. Everything we did was with his agreement." It's only the truth, except that we didn't do anything. I couldn't welcome anyone with Augu being so close. He is the only one I desire and besides Serge doesn't want that from me.

"You are just a spoiled brat. You didn't learn anything in school all these years. You can't always have what you want and you can't always have things your way. You are going to have to learn where your place in society is." He knows how to hurt my pride, how to make me feel low and no one can do it better than him. My feelings for him make it hurt the most when he does it and he is well aware of that.

"What am I supposed to do then?" I shout "let you push me aside, treat me like I don't even exist? But I am here, I do exist and I need you." Tears threaten to come out but I have to force myself not to cry.

"I can't always be by your side. I have work to do."

"You always say that, but what work do you have now? Why did you push me aside last night?" He stood up and walked slowly towards me, then stopped behind me and put an arm on my shoulder.

"You have to be patient. Soon enough you will finish school and come back home for good." I can't stop my tears when he says that.

"Promise?" I whisper.

"I promise" then he gives me a deep kiss that sends me to heaven but I come back to reality when he breaks it. I can't stay angry with him, not when he does that.

"Will you let me sleep with you tonight?"

"We'll see…." His kiss filled me with hope. I feel that I could wait forever for him to accept me again.

Serge seemed really upset when he left the table and I feel a little sorry for him, maybe I should go and see what he's doing. He was there for me many times since he came to Laconblade and he never asked for anything in return. He even lost the good reputation he had in school… He is different than the rest…

I slowly open the door to his room and find him packing the few things he brought.

"What are you doing?" I never imagined that he was so upset that he wanted to leave.

"I'm going back to school." His voice is stern, he's sure about this.

"If you do that you just run away from your own decisions. You allowed me to stay here last night, remember?"

"Yes, but I never intended your uncle to know about this…"

"Are you afraid that your reputation might be ruined? You are the perfect boy in his eyes he'll never blame you for anything."

"Gilbert…"

"You don't care that the whole school thinks you are gay and worst of all that you lost your virginity to me and you care what Augu things? It seems that I overestimated you." He looks at me with wide opened eyes and hesitates a little but then finally asks:

"Do you want me to stay?" I do. Yesterday I didn't but now I do.

"You can do what you want, I don't care. I'm just saying that you are making a lot of fuss over nothing and you say that I'm overreacting." I turn to leave, there is nothing more I can do here anyway. Whatever he decides to do from now on is not in my power to change.

"You're right" the sound of his voice makes me stop "I was running away wasn't I? I don't believe that I did something wrong so there is no need to run." I feel relieved that he decides to stay even though things might get tough for him.

"Whatever you say…"

"Thank you…" Did he just thank me? For what? I didn't do this only for him, I did it for me too.

Augu never found out about this, I never told him and Serge didn't either. I don't know how he would have reacted, I don't know if he would have tried to make Serge stay or not but as long as he didn't ask him to leave it didn't matter. He might try to do something though scare him away or even hurt him. He does that when he wants to get rid of someone he has no need of anymore.

At lunch he reacted as if nothing had happened except that he was more quiet than usual but then again so was Serge.

Serge…I never expected to have such strong feelings for someone else than Augu. A long time ago I started to have the strong feeling that he is different than the other people I've met. He is the only one who doesn't want me for my looks only but for who I am. I know he always reacts to my body when we are close to each other, he can't help it, no one can but he never lets lust take over his mind. He is compassionate and kind and strong in this cruel world, always walking against the storm and making his way through towards his dream.

I want to know him better.

To be honest I was afraid to find out more about him since I thought he will be running away just like everyone else who pretended to want to befriend me. I didn't want to get attached and then be betrayed but now I'm not afraid anymore, I can at least hope he'll never leave me.

I knock on his door but he doesn't answer so I open it to see him sitting at the desk near the window with a picture in his hand. I go near him and take a look at the picture.

There's a couple in the picture: a gypsy lady, very beautiful I must say, giving the most beautiful smile to the man beside her. Her eyes are like stars glowing for the ones she loves and her smile can make anyone be happy just by looking at her. Next to her there's a tall man with an arm around her waist, giving a loving look at the lady and the baby in her arms.

I never knew these people but I know who they are.

"Gilbert…you shouldn't just come in like that" says Serge a little embarrassed, stashing away the picture.

"I knocked but you didn't answer, so I let myself in. What were you doing? Daydreaming again?" He doesn't answer though so I have to continue "Was that a picture of your parents?"

"Yes." He seems sad and I wonder if I should have saved this conversation for later.

"Do you miss them that much that you daydream about them all the time?"

"Gilbert, what happened to your parents?" His sudden question astonishes me.

"I never knew them, but why do you care anyway?"

"We're going to spend Christmas together so we could at least get to know each other better" I totally agree, after all that's why I came here in the first place.

"You know everything you should know about me and Augu and I definitely don't care about you."

"Alright, then why did you come here?"

"I'm bored. Augu locked himself in his study, I suppose he's writing again, so I came here, but if that bothers you I can leave" pretending to be irritated I turn to leave but he stops me.

"You don't have to leave" hearing that I lay on his bed staring at the ceiling.

"Augu just told me that you are a viscount, how come you never mentioned that before?"

"I didn't want anyone in school to know it. I didn't want them to think that I am arrogant. To be honest that title doesn't mean too much to me" that makes me laugh hysterically. If I were a viscount I would never have to allow anyone to touch me and I would have everyone's respect.

"That's the dumbest thing you've said so far. The title alone can offer you so many opportunities, just think about it. You can meet great pianists and go to the Conservatory you might even become a famous pianist yourself. You would have all the women you want at your feet and chose whoever you want to marry. You would be respected and no one will care that you are a gypsy…" As I say these things I can feel a hole deep inside my chest, I feel Serge drifting away from me in a place so far that I can't reach him anymore. Augu was right he does have a bright future. I can never count on him to be my friend and stay with me.

These thoughts make me want to cry but his voice shatters them away.

"That's not what I want. I would like to go to Conservatory one day and become a pianist but not because I'm a viscount. I want to do it on my own with hard work. And I don't want to be respected because of this title just as much as I don't want to be hated because I'm a gypsy."

"You still haven't learned anything have you? We are all on our own in the world. You should use whatever you can and whoever you can to survive." I've been trying to teach him this lesson all this time but he never learned it.

I slowly get off the bed and move towards him as gracefully as I can grinning as I see him arising with a frightened look on his face.

"Gilbert…what are you doing?"

"You will never survive two weeks here if you don't learn that" I say as I cup his face with both hands and kiss him on the lips hard. When I feel that he can't breath anymore I break the kiss and allow him to catch his breath.

"…Gilbert…stop that…please…stop…"

"You say 'stop' but you like it don't you?" I hold him tighter than before and kiss him again slipping my tongue in his opened mouth. He grabs my hand and holds a firm grip on it but I don't stop, instead I put my leg between his and use my knee to push him a little in the right place to make him gasp.

"Stop it!" he shouts trying to get away from me.

"Make me" I dare him. He pushes me hard and I fall on the ground.

"What's gotten into you?" he asks annoyed. "Why did you do that?"

I only wanted you to understand what I've been trying to teach you. You don't know Augu, you don't know what he can do and you must be prepared for the time when he will come for you…and he will come, he always does sooner or later.

"You pushed me… is that the worst you can do?" I ask as I stand and slowly walk towards him again.

"Stop it right now. I won't tolerate this behavior anymore!" He slaps me and I fall back on the ground satisfied. He just might be able to stand and face Augu when the time comes.

I'm weak, I know. I was never able to get out of Augu's trap, that's why I need someone to do it for me, to drag me out of my misery. Serge might be that someone but he needs to be prepared for it.


	16. Inside Struggle (part 3)

Chapter 16 – Inside Struggle (part 3)

The day after tomorrow is Christmas. Another year has almost passed and it seems hard to believe. The last few months, since I came to Laconblade passed fast leaving both good and not so good memories behind. But I don't regret anything. The people I care the most for are still by my side and my relationship with Gilbert seems to improve too.

I think I have what I wanted now: true friends, a piano teacher and one of the best I must say and an improving situation with Gilbert. Who knows? When we go back to school I might even be able to convince him to come to class and study for a change. Once he understands that he can do those papers by himself he will stop his outrageous behavior.

But I'm still worried for him, I'm worried for the relationship he has with his uncle. It's just wrong but none of them seem to understand that…. I want to help him but I don't know how. What am I supposed to do?

He is very happy this morning and he didn't come in my room crying last night but I wander how much it will last.

"So what have you planned for Christmas, Augu?" he asks happily putting another egg on his plate. I'm glad he's eating well again. At school he often skipped breakfast and now he's so thin…

"I didn't make any plans. It will be just the three of us spending some quality time together. Serge, you don't mind playing some Christmas songs on the Holy night do you? Gilbert can sing with you. He has such a beautiful voice. " Gilbert can sing? I never knew that. He doesn't come to choir so I can't know.

"Not at all, I'll be glad to. I can also help decorating the tree…"

"Nonsense, we have servants for that."

"But I like decorating the tree for Christmas. I always did it for my aunt."

"If that is the case you can do it here too.'

"You will open that old wine you bought won't you? Asked Gilbert

"I have been saving it for a special occasion so I don't see why not. Holidays are always special."

After finishing breakfast we all went in the library. The servants started to clean the house for holidays, decorate and bring in the tree so there was a come and go everywhere. The library seemed to be the only quiet place since August said that he doesn't want the library decorated.

"So Serge…" starts August "how do you like the book you took a few days ago?" Oh the book I almost forgot about it. I spent so much time thinking about Gilbert lately that it totally slipped my mind. I'm going to have to bring it back.

"It's too romantic for me, I'm sorry" I say remembering the few pages from the beginning that I actually read. August laughs slightly.

"That sounds like something Gilbert would say. He always liked dramatic and philosophic books better. Kant is his favorite." Gilbert reads philosophy? Is it possible that I underestimated him?

"But I do like your poems" interrupts Gilbert pretending to be hurt by his uncle's comment and clinging on his arm.

"I do write about love but most of my poems are dramatic too, Gilbert. That's why you like them."

"I like them because you wrote them and because they remind me of us" he looked sad when he said these words….

"Isn't Kant a little too hard for our age?" I ask. I remember Pascal reading Critique of Pure Reason and he said it was just a mumbo jumbo with no scientific base at all. I'm not sure he was right though. Personally I think he didn't understand much from that book.

"There is no age for philosophy, my dear Serge. Any age is just right to read philosophy. Philosophy is in all of us, the only thing photospheres do is to analyze the human being's way of thinking and behavior and let us be aware of our true selves through their work. It is our duty to know ourselves better and it is never too early to do so." But still…children must have their childhood without caring about things like these.

I was always aware of the fact that Gilbert was more mature than most boys in our class, already starting his sexual life when others were still playing silly games and falling in love when others didn't even start looking at girls in that way. I'm starting to understand that I don't know anything about Gilbert.

"I'll go and decorate the tree now" It's more an excuse to leave because I don't know what else to say and I need some time alone to think.

The tree was placed in the living room and the servants brought some boxed with decorations for it. I open a box and start putting some turtledove shaped decorations on the tree. I'm sure it will look so beautiful when it's finished. Then came the angels and stars and snowflakes…. Oh where could it be? There should be a big star that goes on the top of the tree….

"Are you looking for this?" I turn around at the sound of Gilbert's voice. He's standing a few feet away from me with an angel holding a star in his hands.

"Yes, thank you" I take it from him and climb the wooden ladder to put it on the top. It's even more beautiful than the star my aunt has.

"It looks nice…" he says giving the tree a better look.

"I'm glad you like it but it's not finished yet."

"Mind if I help you from now on?"

"No…" I say a bit surprised "…not at all. Haven't you done this before?"

"No. The servants usually do it" he answers bluntly.

"My parents used to do the decorating when I was little and I helped them too. It was something we always did together for Christmas then when I moved with my aunt I used to help the butler do it. I'm sorry… I started talking about my family again when you know nothing about yours." I apologize quickly realizing that I've been talking too much about my family lately in front of Gilbert when he doesn't even remember his parents.

"I do know about them but as far as I'm concerned they're dead." The last time I asked him about them he said he never knew them so I assumed they died when he was little but now I know they're alive and he doesn't care about them.

"Gilbert…how can you say that?"

"I don't want to talk about this" he dismisses me "There, it's done" he continues putting the last decoration on the tree "Do you want to go out for a snow fight?"

"Sure" I almost forgot that snow fell down all night as if nature was preparing herself for Christmas too. We went out in the fresh air but I didn't have time to enjoy it because Gilbert threw a snowball at me and I started running after him to get my revenge. I am satisfied only after Gilbert is hit a few times too but then he starts chasing me. He catches up with me pretty fast although I'm a fast runner, grabs my hand and knocks me down then he climbs on top of me still holding my wrist.

My heart starts beating fast and it beats even faster when I spot August watching us from his bedroom's window.

"Gilbert stop…" I start but he gently puts a finger on my mouth then he replaces it with his hot lips. He breaks it up but for some reason I'm not angry with him. I guess I got used to him doing this to me and I don't feel disgusted anymore. I still don't like him that way though and I don't think I ever will. "Your uncle saw that you know?"

He stands up and goes inside without another word. I wander if I said something wrong, or if I did something to upset him. I stand too and run after him.

"Gilbert I'm sorry…" I say when I catch up with him.

"What are you apologizing for?" he asks surprised.

"You seemed upset and…" I start but he interrupts me.

"It has nothing to do with you" he dismisses me and leaves upstairs.

I go back to the living room not knowing what else to do and start playing the piano. It makes time fly faster when there's nothing to do.

I don't know how much time passed since I started playing or when did Gilbert come and curl himself in the armchair near the fireplace. He has his eyes shut, I think he's asleep and I don't want to wake him up.

"Why did you stop playing?" the sound of his voice surprised me for a second.

"I thought you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you up."

"I have to admit that you're good. I've heard better but you're good." Did Gilbert just compliment me? This is a first in our history.

"August says you're a good singer. Why don't you come to choir then?"

"Choir is boring and I hate the songs they sing."

"What songs do you like then?"

"The one you just played" My father's song. He composed it for my mother. I didn't hear him play it often though. "Will you play it again?" Sure, if it makes you happy…

Gilbert was extremely nice with me today he even wanted us to do things together. I wander if he's changed, I wander if he'll do what he's supposed to when we go back to school, I wander if he finally trusts me and consider me his friend or is he just playing another game. No I refuse to think that. I want to think that this is the real Gilbert, the one that was kept in the dark all this time by the harsh society.


	17. Inside Struggle (part 4)

Chapter 17 – Inside Struggle (part 4)

The last two days were the happiest days I had in a long time and I have a feeling this is going to be my happiest Christmas ever since Augu sent me to Laconblade.

Augu didn't refuse me these days or nights for that matter and was extremely nice to me.

Serge is still here but I don't mind anymore, in fact I want him to be here, I want both Serge and Augu to be by my side forever. I'm worried for him though. Augu saw me kissing Serge in the garden one of these days and he might get the wrong impression.

Augu and I are sitting on the sofa listening to Serge playing. He is holding me in his arms and I shift to catch a quick kiss from him.

"Gilbert why don't you sing something for us?" he asks "Serge can accompany you on the piano." If that's what he wants, then why not? I go next to Serge to find a nice song while he pours himself another glass of wine.

"Play this one" I tell Serge and we both start singing.

I never liked singing but for some reason when Serge plays the piano I don't mind singing at all especially when the audience is my Augu. Serge is a good pianist I have to admit, he could become a great pianist one day if he follows his dream but the possibility that I'm not included in that dream scares me. I don't want to be alone anymore.

This holiday spent together could be a good thing after all. Maybe I should thanks Augu for coming up with the idea in the first place.

The song is coming to an end and I wish we would do this again sometimes.

Augu pours another glass of wine and gives it to me.

"You were wonderful, both of you. You really should go to the Conservatory, Serge you are just as talented as your father was. It's a pity that he wasted his talent… Anyway why don't you open your presents?"

I go closer to him and give him a kiss "I already got my present from you. Thanks for inviting Serge for Christmas." He smiles at me and gently pushes me toward the tree.

"Nonsense, go and open your presents. Serge, could you come with me in my study? There's something I wanted to show you."

I wonder what he wants to show Serge in his study. He doesn't even let me enter there. He calls it his sanctuary and says that he doesn't get inspiration if someone enters there. Of course I don't believe that crap but if he wants it that way I don't mind.

After Augu closed the door to his study I go back to what I started doing, opening presents. Most of them are from Augu but one of them is from Serge and all of them are for me. There is no present for Serge….

I grab the present from Serge and open the box. It's not the biggest present but it's definitely one of my favorites. It's a notebook with a blue leather cover with golden decorations and a golden pen. Now I feel sorry for not getting him something too but when we go back to school I'll go to Arles and look for something nice for him…a book maybe or a frame for that photo of his family he caries with him all the time…

Suddenly I hear noises coming from Augu's study; a broken glass, a fallen chair….what's going on in there? I run to the door and try to open it but it's locked so I hit it with my fists as hard as I can.

"Serge…." I shout but there is no answer only more noise.

"No, let me go…" I hear Serge's voice. He sounds tired and on the verge to cry. I don't know what's going on but I have to get him out of there.

When the door suddenly opens Serge comes out first. He can barely stand and he looks like a total mess. He doesn't say anything just walks to the stairs and climbs them, falling a few times on the way up.

"What did you do to him?" I ask Augu.

"I only thought him a lesson. I welcomed him into my house as a guest and he stole what belongs to me. That wasn't very nice." What is he talking about? Serge would never steal anything.

"I don't believe you. What did he steal?"

"He stole you and you belong to me. I saw you kissing him and don't tell me you didn't mean it." So this is my fault… "Stay away from him and I promise not to hurt him again even though nothing compares to the first time."

No I don't believe it…it can't be…he didn't….

I run upstairs to Serge's room and find him packing. Silent tears come out of his dark eyes and he doesn't try to stop them. I put a hand on his shoulder but he pushes it away.

"Don't try to stop me" he says. I wasn't trying to, not this time. I was just trying to comfort him since I know what he's going through.

In a way I'm happy this happened. Now he can understand me better, he can understand why I have to do what I do. I'm not strong enough to get rid of Jacques and Blough by myself so the only thing I can do is give them what they want and hope that they kill each other over me.

This is a part of my life, a part in the fight for survival and that is exactly why I don't need friends who run away from a simple kiss from a boy. They don't even start to understand the rest.

Serge has finished packing and without a word he grabs his luggage and walks out the door. I walk to the window and look outside at the cloudy sky.

I wanted this Christmas to be perfect. Why does everything have to go wrong in my life? I used to think that there was no other way for Augu to hurt me but he found a way once again, he always does.

He pushed me away for years, sending me at Laconblade without visiting, writing, taking me home on holidays and now he says that I belong to him as if I were his pet.

I watch Serge as he goes further and further away from me toward the front gate. He's not going to come back. There is no way for him to go back to school on Christmas day, there are no trains and he won't find anyone to take him with a carriage, but he still won't come back.

I wander if he'll ever talk to me again or this is the end of my dream and I go back to the cruel reality again and to my loneliness. No… I can't go back there, I won't. With this new determination I found in me I go back to my room and start packing. I'm going back to school.

"Gilbert, open this door!"

"Leave me alone!" I shout. I never thought that I would ever tell Augu to leave me alone.

"You don't mean that and you know it. What I did was necessary it's for your own good and his. I thought you understood already that you are not good enough for him. I'm sure that he'll be grateful too one day when he becomes a pianist and when he understands that you only dragged him down."

Is it true? Did I really drag him down?

"I only saved you from more suffering. One day he'll go to the Conservatory and leave you behind. Is that what you want?"

No it's not….but he wouldn't do that, would he?

"You have me and I am all you need, I am all you really want."

No you're not….I want Serge too, I want both of you. But if I don't do as Augu says he'll hurt Serge even more.

Quickly I hide my packed things under the bed and open the door for Augu to come in.

"Remember my words Gilbert, stay away from him, I'll know if you don't."

"Fine, just don't do anything to him."

"We'll see." With that he leaves and I fall on my bed and start crying.

It's almost midnight. If I don't leave now I never will. I'll stay away from Serge for his sake but I have to go back to school. I have to see him…I need to see him even if he won't talk to me again.

I grab my things from under the bed, then go downstairs and take the present Serge gave to me for Christmas. There are few more things to be done and that is to take a horse from the stable, something to eat and leave.

Less than half an hour later I'm ready to go and look for Serge. He can't be too far.

Just as I expected I find him about five km down the road walking slowly through the thick snow.

"You're not going to walk back to school are you?" I ask.

"Gilbert…." He's surprised to see me "What are you doing here?"

"I'm going back to school and if you're going the same way I guess I could take you there." He accepts my offer gladly. "Here" I toss him a sandwich "You must be hungry."

"Thank you" he takes it and starts eating "Gilbert…you were worried about be."

Of course I was worried you idiot but I can't tell you that. I can't be nice to you, I'm sorry. I'm just glad that you are still talking to me.

"Not really. I just wanted to go back. That's all." Yet he sees beyond my words and gives me a sad smile.

Early in the morning we arrive at Laconblade. It's so quiet here during holidays, especially on winter holidays but I like it better this way. I think we're the only students on the school grounds right now but I don't feel alone at all.

"This school seems a lot larger when everyone is on holidays…" starts Serge as we walk to our dorm.

"Don't tell me you're scared." I tease him.

"No…" I can feel the sadness and loneliness in his voice and I don't blame him after what he's been through today. "It's just that I didn't expect it to be this way."

"You'll get used to it in a few days. By the time everyone else comes back you'll wish they didn't."

"Why would I wish that? I want my friends to come back."

"Right." There was an awkward silence after that.

"Gilbert…can I ask you something?" he asks almost pleading.

"What?"

"Promise that you won't tell Karl and Pascal about the… They never wanted me to go in the first place."

"Well it's your fault. You should have listened to me when I told you to refuse Augu." You can't say that I didn't warn you to refuse although I didn't know things will end up like this.

"I don't regret going, Gilbert." That's surprising. "Now I know how you feel when Blough and Jacques force themselves on you." Yes you do, you understand me better that anyone else. I expected you to run away from me after this but you still stay strong. Maybe you are different after all.

That day I went to his room pretending that I didn't want to be alone but I only did it because I knew he didn't want to be alone. Even so he cried himself to sleep the same way I did so many times but I wanted to be there for him the same way he was there for me so many times before.


	18. Back to School

Chapter 18 – Back to School

The holiday is over and the students start coming back to the usual school routine.

Gilbert has agreed not to tell anyone about our Christmas together and I decided not to tell Karl and Pascal about this either. You know how Karl is? He would be worried for me and he would tell me over and over again that I should have listened to him and refuse the invitation. If I refused then I wouldn't have been raped but I wouldn't have got to know Gilbert better either so I don't regret anything.

It hurt and it still does but if this is the way to understand Gilbert better than it was worth it. Besides Gilbert and I are closer to each other now and that makes me very happy. I even thought about moving in his room and becoming his roommate, I might talk to Karl about this one of these days.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like Karl as my roommate but Karl and I already are very close friends and this relationship between us wouldn't change if he wasn't my roommate anymore. Besides Pascal can move in my place; he always complains that he doesn't like to share the room with four roommates.

The three of us went down do breakfast the same way we did every morning and to my surprise Gilbert was already there. He used to skip breakfast before many times and I'm glad that he doesn't continue with that bad habit.

Pascal takes a seat at an empty table and Karl follows him but I don't want to leave Gilbert eat alone.

"Why don't you come and sit with us?" I ask.

"Your friends don't want me there" he answers bluntly.

"I'm sure they won't mind."

"I finished anyway" he says pushing his tray and standing up.

"What are you talking about? You barely started" I say looking at his still full plate.

"Then I guess I'm not hungry" were his last words before he left.

I wander what that was all about. It seems that the old Gilbert is back but I don't understand why. During the last week of holiday our relationship has improved a lot; we played in the snow like carefree kids, we even went to Arles together and he made me play the piano in a bar. I told him that I would but only if agreed to sing and he did. He has a beautiful voice and I'm sure he would have been noticed if he came to choir from time to time.

He even bought me a frame for my family's photo.

What made him change so suddenly? Is it the fact that everyone else came back to school, but that still makes no sense?

However that would not be the end to my surprise.

After breakfast my friends and I went to class as usual and to my endless surprise Gilbert was there sitting alone in the last desk near the window and looking outside.

"May I?" I ask. He turns around to look at me with his famous emotionless expression.

"If you have to…" I put my things on the table and sit next to him.

This could be a great opportunity for me to find out why is he so distant all of the sudden.

"I'm glad you finally decided to come to class."

"I was bored that's all." It doesn't matter to me why you did it, I'm just glad you came.

I wonder if this is the right time for me to tell him that I want to be his roommate. I don't know how he will react but he definitely didn't mind sharing a room with me during the holiday. It might make him happy. I know how lonely he feels.

"Gilbert? I would like us to be roommates if it's alright with you too." He looks at me annoyed for a moment and I look at him surprised. Is he angry with me?

"What makes you think that I want a roommate? And even if I did why would I want you?"

"I thought you'd be happy…" I say surprised.

"You think so high of yourself monsieur viscount and I'm tired of you patronizing me."

"But I wasn't patronizing you" I say still confused.

"Well I'm fine as I am thank you."

The teacher enters and starts the lesson but I can't concentrate. I'm going to have to talk about this with Gilbert later. He's been acting weird all day. It's as if he is pushing me away again. But we're friends, aren't we?

I take a sheet of paper and write him a message.

What's wrong Gilbert? I thought we were friends.

And I pass him the note.

He reads it and writes another message in his beautiful writing.

Then you thought wrong.

No I didn't. You know you can tell me anything.

And why would I do that? You're not my boss.

This is taking us nowhere. Why does he have to be so stubborn? I decide to leave him alone for now and I go back to taking notes.

Classes are finally over and I'm glad because I can't concentrate on the lessons. This is definitely not a good start for a school year.

The common room is always full after holidays. Everyone comes here to tell their stories and adventures from the holiday or show their friends the presents they got for Christmas. They are all so cheerful and detached from school problems that sometimes I wonder if they are even aware that school started already. Maybe most of them aren't.

"So how was your holiday?" asks Karl sipping from his tea cup and looking outside at his brother Sebastian who is playing with his friends.

"It wasn't fun at all" complained Pascal "we went skating on the lake and my little brother fell in the water. He was sick with a fever an entire week so Christmas was pretty much ruined" he sighed and turned the page of the book he was reading.

"Well how is he now?" asks Karl worried turning to face Pascal.

"He's better, thanks."

"What about you Serge? You've been awfully quiet lately."

"Oh….nothing much happened…"

"You can't call spending two weeks with Gilbert nothing much" I can feel the sarcasm in Pascal's voice but I act as if I didn't notice. Sarcasm is one of Pascal's ways to get information from the others but I learned to control myself so I don't fall in his trap. However this won't be his last try. Pascal is a master at getting information and he always uses psychology for that instead of force, he says it's more efficient.

"He's really nice once you get to know him better."

"Then he sure doesn't show it too often" He turns the page of his book again a bit bored.

"What about you Karl?" I ask wanting to change the subject.

"Just me and my family…We had our relatives over for dinner. Are you sure nothing happened with Gilbert…" Why does Karl have to act as my mother all the time? I appreciate that he is worried about me as a friend but sometimes he goes too far. I can make my own decisions and suffer the consequences for them on my own. I don't want to bother my friends all the time.

"I'm here in one piece am I not?" I stand and give him an assuring smile then I go to pour myself some more tea. "Don't worry so much about me."

They changed the subject for the rest of our stay in the common room and I was glad because I had other things that bothered me. Gilbert was tormenting my every thought once again and I went to look for him as soon as Karl and Pascal were busy to stop some kids from fighting right there in the middle of the common room.

I go upstairs to his room and knock on the door but there is no answer. I try to open the door but something is blocking it from the other side.

"Gilbert, open up! It's just me." I push the door again and this time it opens enough so I can slide in.

Gilbert is sitting on the floor naked and shivering from the cold, blocking the door with his own body and he has both hands and legs tied up and a handkerchief in his mouth.

Oh God, I never noticed how thin he is before. He looks like a fragile doll that is about to brake at the slightest touch. What in the world did he get himself into this time?

I hurry to get the handkerchief out of his mouth and as soon as I do he leans on me with a tired sigh.

"What happened, Gilbert?" I put my arm around him in an attempt to warm him up. If I go to get his jacket he'll totally fall on the floor so I have no other choice. "Gilbert….I can't untie you like this. Do you think you can stand on your own for a minute?" He shifts in my arms to look at me and I can see he's been crying then he shifts again to lean against the door and I help him up.

I take off my jacket and put it on his shoulders then start to untie his hands and legs. I can't help but look at his wrists again, he's just flesh and bone and the rope left a red mark on his skin.  
Who did this to you, Gilbert?

I help him stand and slowly walk him to his bed. After he's safely seated on the bed I go to look for his nightshirt but he grabs my wrist to get my attention.

"Don't go…" his voice is so weak, more like a whisper and his eyes are begging me to stay too.

"I'll bring you a nightshirt" I explain but he doesn't let go of my arm so I sit next to him. "Then you should get in bed, you're shivering." He doesn't object and does as I say.

"Stay with me…" he lifts the blanket as if he wants me to lie next to him. "Please…" he continues when he sees my hesitation.

I've never been so close to his naked body before. We were always dressed when we shared the bed but he needs me and I can't let him down. I trust him that he won't do anything that I don't want to.

He shifts a little until his face is on my chest and I put an arm around him. I missed us staying like this, I missed his smell of flowers.

I feel guilty for what happened to him. He pushed me away all day and I left him alone to spend the day with Pascal and Karl. If I stayed with him more then this wouldn't have happened. I could have been here and stop whoever did this to him but I won't do the same mistake twice. From now on I will spend more time with him even if he pushes me away again.

I'll stay here tonight but not before I tell Karl. I don't want him to worry again.


	19. Make Things Right

Chapter 19 – Make Things Right

First thing in the morning Blough comes to me just as I'm about to leave the dorm building and go somewhere quiet in the woods.

"I'm ready for that job you wanted me to do?" I look at him surprised. I didn't ask him to do anything for me. He might try something to get in my pants since it's only the beginning of the school year and we don't have homework yet.

"I don't remember asking you to do anything for me" I continue on my way but the next thing he says makes me stop again.

"Let me remind you then. Before the holiday you wanted me to get 'the model student', your exact words, away from your back." I remember now. I asked him to do something so Serge wouldn't appear when Augu came to take us home.

"And you refused to do it." I remind him.

"Well, I changed my mind and I have the perfect plan. I'll do it for a good pay." Just as I thought, he wants to get in my pants. You can't stay two weeks without claiming me can you Blough? You disgust me, that's why you won't get what you desire. You'll have to wait until I call you.

"The offer is not available anymore" I try to dismiss him.

"Why? Don't you want him to get what he deserves anymore?"

"He's not bothering me for the time being." I turn to leave but he stops me again.

"Then I'll make sure he won't ever bother you again." I look at him with all the hatred I find in myself as he gives me one of his loud and annoying evil laughs.

Change of plans. I'll have to follow Serge all day and stop Blough from touching him which means I must go to classes…all day. But first breakfast. I'm not hungry but Serge never misses that so I decide to go there first.

He's not here yet but soon after I take a seat at an empty table he comes too with his friends in toe. Karl and Pascal claim an empty table for themselves but Serge stops near me.

"Why don't you come and sit with us?" he asks.

"Your friends don't want me there" I'm sure they don't even like that Serge stopped to talk to me.

"I'm sure they won't mind." That's just the way Serge is, he knows that's a lie just as well as I know but he always wants to make things right for everyone no matter what the price he has to pay for that is.

"I finished anyway" I don't want to ruin breakfast for you. I just wanted to make sure that you're alright but Blough won't come near you as long as Karl is with you. He's just as scared of Karl as he is of Rosmarine.

"What are you talking about? You barely started"

"Then I guess I'm not hungry."

I decide to go back to my room and get my books. I can already imagine how surprised everyone will be to see me in class, especially Serge. He told me a few times that he wished I went to class but I never thought of granting him that wish. Today is his lucky day I guess. Blough might try to get him between classes and I have to be there when that happens. I can't let that dumb baboon lay a finger on my Serge.

I'm the first one to enter the classroom and I take a seat in the last desk. I don't want to draw too much attention upon myself, it's too troublesome. Soon enough Serge comes too but I pretend not to notice him.

"May I?" he asks and I look at him as if I don't really care if he seats next to me or not.

"If you have to…" I say making sure that my voice sounds bored and I try not to look at him as he takes his seat next to me.

"I'm glad that you finally decided to come to class." Yes, I knew you would be. A month ago I would have never believed that I would come to class for Serge's sake, I wouldn't have believed that I'd do anything for him at all and yet here I am, concerned for his well being. Did he really manage to break my wall?

"I was bored that's all." I wonder if he buys that.

"Gilbert? I would like us to be roommates if it's alright with you too." So he does consider me his friend after all that he's been through and he wants to make a next step in making us even closer friends but for once I have to think about him and not about me. As much as I would like that to happen if it's better for him to be as far as possible away from me, than I'm willing to keep him away. I'll push him until he decides to forget about me.

"What makes you think that I want a roommate? And even if I did why would I want you?"

"I thought you'd be happy…" Yes I would. I'm tired of being alone every night and if I had a roommate Blough and Jacques wouldn't dare to come uninvited in my room. I remember how nice it was during the holiday after we came to the academy when we shared my room but from now on my dear Serge we can only share the memories. They will be our memories and no one will take that away from us.

"You think so high of yourself monsieur viscount and I'm tired of you patronizing me." I try to sound as cold as I can.

"But I wasn't patronizing you" He's confused but he'll get used to me treating him as I did before.

"Well I'm fine as I am thank you."

The teacher enters and starts the lesson but I don't really care about whatever he says. This is going to be sooo boring but as I think of a way to make my time pass faster Serge passes me a note.

What's wrong Gilbert? I thought we were friends.

I read it and write him back.

Then you thought wrong.

No I didn't. You know you can tell me anything.

If I told you that Augu is going to ruin your life if you don't stay away from me than you would let him take all your dreams of going to Conservatory away before you leave my side and I won't let that happen.

And why would I do that? You're not my boss.

He doesn't write anything else after that, maybe he gave up for now.

I'm sorry Serge, I'm sorry that I can't tell you why I have to do this. You don't deserve anything bad to happen to you. You've always been so nice to me even when I treated you badly and you never gave up on me like everyone else did.

I really want us to be friends but Augu being possessive over me is something I can not change. He hurts me all the time but he wants me all for himself too. He's ready to do anything to get what he wants and being the respectable nobleman that he is he has influence in all the important places.

Yes, Serge he has the power to keep you from entering the Conservatory. That's your dream and you don't deserve to lose it because of me.

Maybe Augu was right. Maybe all I can do is to drag you down.

Classes are finally over and Blough watched Serge close all this time but didn't make his move. I watched Serge enter the common room with his friends and knowing that he's safe there I go back to my room only to find Blough waiting for me.

"Get out!" I shout.

"What's wrong Gilbert? You didn't fall for the dirty gipsy did you?" He has a smirk all over his face that makes me sick.

"You're an idiot Blough."

"Don't play dumb with me. You followed him all day just to keep me away from him. You are protecting him, aren't you?" He comes closer and gently grabs my neck with a hand. "Did you already forget that you belong to me?" That's what everyone says: Blough, Jacques, Augu…

"Don't touch me!" I tell him with anger.

"If you protect him then you deserve the same treatment. You'll get it in his place."

He throws me on the bed and undresses me quickly. As soon as he's done he ties my hands and only then he stops to give me a better look. His lips curve into a smile and his eyes reflect lust.

"Boy, how I've been waiting for this" he says as he forces himself on me again and again like a hungry wolf which managed to catch a prey after a long time. Eventually he gets tired and starts kissing me all over my chest, stopping to nibble my nipples for a while, then my neck…

The feeling itself is nice and I close my eyes as he goes down again kissing gently. I gasp as I feel his warmth surrounding me. My body reacts to the sexual pleasure but my mind doesn't want this, it disgusts me, still there is nothing I can to. I'm tied up and he is stronger than me.

After what seemed like an eternity he ties my legs too and puts a handkerchief in my mouth.

"Don't worry" he says as he pulls his pants on "I wouldn't have given him this treatment. This is only for you" he blows me a kiss and quietly leaves the room.

I try to make my way to the door and lean against at as if I want to make sure that he doesn't come back. I'm tired, my body hurts and I'm cold and who knows how long it will take until someone comes in my room to look for me. The highest chance is for Jacque to come….no I dismiss that thought. I don't want Jacque to come now I'd rather stay alone like this.

Tears invade my eyes and thoughts my mind….I wish Serge was here, I wish he came and hold me in his arms then I'd know everything will be alright.

Time passed, an hour, two, more….I don't know and it doesn't matter. I'm still here on the floor tied up without any hope to make me go on. I even start hearing things, it's as if someone is knocking on the door but why would anyone come here?

"Gilbert, open up! It's just me." I'm starting to hear Serge's voice. It could be just my imagination but I shift enough to let the door open a little.

The door sets ajar and Serge slides in…I guess I wasn't imagining things after all. He did come for me.

The first thing he does is to get that stupid handkerchief out of my mouth and I lean on him for comfort. I feel like crying right there in his arms. I don't know what I would do without him. He saved me so many times since he came here that I can't even remember and all this time I treated him so badly.

Forgive me Serge…

"What happened, Gilbert?" he wraps his arms around me giving me a shiver through my spine. I feel safe in his arms, nothing can touch me here nothing can hurt me. I want to stay like this forever…"Gilbert….I can't untie you like this. Do you think you can stand on your own for a minute?" I don't want to move from this position but it's cold here on the floor so I lean against the door again. He puts his jacket on my shoulders and unties me then he helps me get in bed.

He turns to leave but I grab his wrist. I don't want him to go I need him to stay with me longer, I need him to hold me.

"Don't go…"

"I'll bring you a nightshirt" I don't want it. I want to feel your touch on my bare skin. "Then you should get in bed, you're shivering."

"Stay with me…Please…" I make room for him in bed next to me but he hesitates. I should have known he wouldn't come close to me if I'm naked. After all this time he still doesn't look at me that way. I don't mind though as long as he doesn't leave me.

Eventually he lies next to me and takes me in his arms making me feel safe once more.


	20. Back to the Start

Chapter 20 – Back to the Start

The sound of an alarm clock wakes me up early in the morning. I stir a little and try to get away the sleep from my eyes by rubbing them with the back of my hand. I can't be lazy in the mornings now that school started but my internal clock is still on holiday mode and I know it will take a while until I go back to my usual habits.

It took me a few moments to realize that I'm not in my room and I wander if Gilbert put the alarm on for me since I don't see him near me in bed. I wonder if he's alright. After the other day I doubt he is but he will have to talk to me today. I'll make sure he does. He can't run away from me forever.

I know that the relationship between us has changed after we spent the holiday together. Even the fact that he followed me to school earlier than he needed to, says a lot. He must have a reason to behave so cold towards me, a different reason than the one he had before we became friends and I want to find that reason.

The door opens and Gilbert enters the room as graceful as ever, fully dressed in the school uniform and with a bright smile on his face. A fake smile. Gilbert smiles a lot but rarely gives a genuine, true smile. I guess he's just trying to assure me that he is alright after last night but it doesn't work.

"So you managed to wake up I see. Did you sleep well?" I ignore his question since I'm more interested in how he's doing.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes" Another lie.

"Gilbert…what's going on? Why were you so cold with me the other day?" He takes a seat on the empty bed next to mine, or should I say his and sighs but still doesn't say anything as if he was thinking hard if he should tell me something or not. "Gilbert…" I push it again but he just lets himself fall on the bed and puts his arms under his head.

"Don't you have to go to class or something?" He says when he finally decides to talk again.

No. I'll stay here until I get the answers I want. "Not until you decide to talk to me. I can skip today."

"So the model student decides to skip classes for once. Now that's an event." I know he said this to annoy me, to continue what he started the other day but for once I don't sense the usual malice in his voice. He sounds more like he's about to give up on something. Maybe he's tired of keeping secrets and decides to tell me what's been going on.

"So…are you going to tell me?" There is a long pause and I wait patiently.

"Augu…he's going to ruin your life forever" I don't understand what he is talking about and what does that have to do with what happened the other day.

"What do you mean?"

"Before I ran after you back then..." He stops as if he's not sure if he should continue but then he changes his mind and goes on "…Augu told me that if I don't stay away from you he'll ruin your life."

"Is that why you behaved so weird the other day?" It wasn't actually weird, it was more like normal, well normal for the old Gilbert but I don't want to use any word that could sound insulting right now.

He doesn't answer but his silence itself says a lot.

"I didn't want you to get in trouble but I messed up last night."

Now I can finally put two and two together. He knew that his uncle would never back out from a promise like this so he just wanted to protect me.

He thought that things would be better for me if I hated him. But he never thought that I can't hate the Gilbert that just managed to come out and see the light, I can't send him back into the darkness that trapped him for so long, all forgotten and unloved. I don't care what August will do to me, I'm not leaving Gilbert alone ever again.

"Rosemarine knows you spent the night here and he'll tell Augu" he concludes. I can sense the sadness, concern and guilt in his voice and I feel that he needs me to let him know that everything is alright.

I get out of the bed and take a seat near him.

He looks at me surprised, not sure of what I'm going to do next and a little scared too but I just give him an assuring smile.

"Everything will be fine Gilbert. You should have told me earlier though."

"I couldn't…not after that…" I can see that he doesn't want to bring up the rape.

"I'll still be here for you no matter what happens to me. We'll go through everything together and I'm sure Karl and Pascal will be glad to help too." He frowns at the sound of my friends' names but I don't pay attention to it, then he throws his arms around my neck. I put my hands around his waist and we stay like that for a while.

"Come on. Let's go to class, there's still time" I finally tell him.

"There's no need for me to go back there." I give him a strange look not understanding what he meant.

"But you came the other day…"

"That's only because I messed up again and I wanted to make things right. But it's over now." So I guess he had no intention of becoming a normal student like everyone else after all. "Classes are boring anyway" he continues.

No..I won't let this happen again. I won't let him go back to his old habits, selling his body for grades and papers. I will help him study and pass like everyone else no matter what.

"You're coming and that's final. You'll go to classes from now on even if I have to drag you there every morning. I won't let Blough and Jacques lay a finger on you ever again." I shout at him. He looks at me surprised for a moment then his lips curve in a smirk.

"Jealous aren't we?" I'm not jealous, I just don't want to see him hurt again. I bet that it was one of those two who tied him up the other day. "Fine, I'll give it a try for a while but I don't promise anything." That's good enough for now.

He grabs his books then we go back to my room so I can take mine too and we head to class.

I didn't let go of Gilbert not even after the classes have ended. He joined me and my friends in my room to finish our homework and to my surprise he didn't complain at all.

"May I ask to what occasion we owe the pleasure to have you among us?" asks Pascal raising his gaze from the biology book to study Gilbert from head to tow as if he wanted to read his intentions.

"Pascal, Gilbert will join us from now on." I say before Gilbert can answer.

"Really…interesting…" is all Pascal says before returning to his book.

"Are you sure about this Serge?" It's Karl's time to express his concern.

"Of course I am. We can help him too the same way we help each other."

"Yes but does he want help?" The question seems to be addressed to me but instead it is addressed to Gilbert directly, still I hurry to answer.

"Of course he does. Tell them Gilbert."

"It may sound strange but it's true. I decided to give school a try" he confirms.

"Really?….interesting…." says Pascal again giving Gilbert a surprised look.

"If you decided to give school a try….I suppose we could give you a try too" says Karl to my relive.

I knew I could count on my friends to trust me with my decisions and to support me. With their help I feel that I can accomplish anything even if August or Rosemarine try to stop me.

I'm really glad that they decided to give Gilbert a chance because the new Gilbert deserves it.

Maybe this is all Gilbert really needed to change: friends, someone he can count on, someone who trusts him….someone who loves him. I will make sure that he has that from now on and that he will never be alone again.

My friends accepted Gilbert in our little group with no more questions and even if Karl is still keeping a distance he doesn't say anything else.

"I guess we're done for today" says Pascal preparing to leave the room "I'll see you later guys."

"Why are you leaving so early? I was going to make us some tea and we could maybe play some cards?"

"Not a chance Karl. I need to go back to the library." I bet he's going to the library to look for some more psychology books. Pascal has been 'studying' Gilbert for a long time now and after saying 'really….interesting' so many times anyone could tell that Gilbert surprised him with the way he behaved today.

"What about you Gilbert? Will you stay for a game of cards?" asks Karl taking a deck of cards from his desk's drawer.

Gilbert hesitates a little, embarrassed about something "I don't know how to play cards, only chess. But I will watch you two play."

There he goes surprising me again just like he did when I found out that his favorite author was Kant or that he had an angel's voice. I wander if I will fully figure out Gilbert one day. He's deeper and more profound than he looks.

"You never told me you could play chess!" I say surprised.

"You never asked." He's right there.


	21. The Good Life

Chapter 21 – The Good Life

Things are not that bad. The classes are not overwhelming even though I never bothered much with them in the past and besides I have Serge to help me with the homework.

Karl and Pascal are not bad either. I can see they still have doubts about me, maybe not believing that I can change but I don't blame them. I have deceived many people, many times before and it is an expected reaction from anyone smart enough, but I can see that they are genuinely trying to accept me. I really appreciate their efforts even if they do it just for Serge's sake.

Serge seems really happy even though I told him everything about the consequences that our friendship might have and I'm glad about that. I want him to be happy.

Last evening was my first experience of a normal life, or so I think. I wouldn't know what a normal life is like, now would I? The little study session with Serge and his friends was pleasant even though a bit awkward but in time we will get used to each other more and things will be different, right? Then the boys played cards and they tried to teach me too because, as they put it, the game is more interesting with more players. It was fun.

"Gilbert, are you ready for breakfast?" There was a knock on the door and then came Serge's voice, loud enough to wake up anyone if they were asleep.

I open the door before he can knock again, fully dressed in my uniform "Yeah, I'm ready."

"You're awake?" he asks a bit confused.

"Of course I am, I always wake up early" I answer just as confused.

"Well since you skipped class and breakfast all the time I assumed that you would sleep in in the mornings when you have nothing else to do" he explained a bit embarrassed.

"Not at all" I say amused "Come on you wouldn't want to make Karl and Pascal wait for us, would you?" I say dragging him out of my room and towards the main building where breakfast is served.

"Serge, Gilbert over here" Karl and Pascal noticed Serge and I enter the room and wave for us to join them at the table. And so we do. I can feel the others stare and I can hear them whisper but for some reason it doesn't make me uncomfortable.

I think that Serge noticed too because as soon as we take our sits at Karl's table he grabs my hand under the table as if trying to assure me that everything is all right. I answer by curling my fingers around his hand and giving him a small smile. It's all right, it really is, it doesn't bother me what they think. As long as I am with Serge nothing else matters.

"So….Pascal….how is your essay in Latin going? You know it's due to tomorrow?" Serge starts the conversation.

Pascal dismisses him with his hand "Who has time for that? I have more important things to do."

"Then I suppose we should rearrange your priorities for you" Karl comes in.

Pascal gives him an annoyed look "Well thank you very much mister model student…" he starts sarcastically but Karl doesn't even glance at him and continues to drink his tea.

"That's what friends are for" Karl explains leaving Pascal so not satisfied. If Karl makes plans to make Pascal study then he doesn't let him go until the work is done and the older boy knows that very well. I suppose he'll have to leave the 'more important thing' for later, whatever it is.

I kind of like the way they take care of each other and the thought makes me smile.

"Well fine, I'll finish the essay today but this evening I choose what game we play, and I don't want to play cards" Pascal gives in. The other two start laughing at Pascal's obvious frustration.

After breakfast we head to class and I sit next to Serge just as I used to before, but not for the same reason. He puts his books on the desk and looks at me a little hesitant. "So…have you thought about us being room mates? I just know that you don't dislike the idea as much as you said you do."

"No I don't, but I'm not sure we should" I say with a sigh. He can't even imagine how much I actually want us to share a room and even a bed if he wants to, how much I hate being alone in there every night but I don't want him to get hurt because of it. We spend too much time together for his own good as it is but I can't peal myself away from him again. I'm tired of acting and I'm selfish. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy too and since we are happy together I don't want to play the old game ever again.

"You're still thinking about what August said?" I sense concern in his voice.

"I can't just let it go as much as I want to" I try to defend myself and he gives me an assuring smile.

"It'll be fine. We'll find a solution when the time comes."

"You sure are carefree…." I smile back.

"I got that from you, you know?" I know. He didn't use to be like that. It's funny how right now I feel like our roles have been switched. I am the one concerned about his well being the same way he always was about me and he is the one going with the flow of life the same way I do with my own life.

"I'll talk to Karl about it this evening" he sais right before the teacher enters the classroom.

I can sense that Karl doesn't agree with Serge's decision but he sais nothing. I suppose he does the best he can to accept me in their group and maybe even to trust that I will not hurt Serge again. I don't mind though, because I don't plan on disappointing him either. I will not hurt Serge and I will not let anyone else do it either, he is too important to me.

Even if Serge will never love me the way I do I will still be happy as long as I am by his side and that gives me plenty of reasons not to hurt him again.

After Serge brought the news to his friends the subject was dropped and we started playing games, like we did last evening after homework was done, and since Pascal managed somehow to finish his essay we let him choose the game to play, which was surprisingly chess.

He had never required to play chess before, even though I'm sure he is familiar with the game. Pascal just has that personality that works perfectly with strategy games and I'm sure he is good at it too. What I don't understand though is whether he really wants to play chess or he wants to include me in the activity, considering the fact that I only watch when they play cards. Pascal is still a mystery to me.

So Pascal and I play while Pascal tries to explain the rules to Serge, who knows nothing about the game. Karl knows the rules but he lacks experience when strategy is involved. I lose the game but that was expected, after all I am a bit rusty since I haven't played in such a long time.

The only person I ever played against was Augu but those games are a distant memory. It seems that he forgot about me ever since he brought me to this school, not taking me home on holydays, not sending letters….It used to bother me, make me feel lonely and lost but not anymore, thanks to Serge.

I wake up from my wandering as Pascal declares checkmate to our second game and we switch places with Serge and Karl so they can play too.

"So how should I start?" asks Serge who got white since he is the least experienced of the two.

"You might want to bring out a knight first" suggests Pascal and Serge did exactly that, followed by Karl's opening. The game went on until Serge made a really bad move and made Pascal grip onto his hair with both hands.

"Now why did you do that?" he shouts.

"But Karl's king is in check…" Serge points out not really understanding why his move had been so bad.

"The point of the game is to put Karl in checkmate not just check" I point out "See? He can escape right here" I continue showing him the next move Karl can make "and besides now you have your queen in the middle of Karl's territory while your own king is quite unprotected" next I show him the obvious threats that come from Karl's side. He listens carefully and watches my every move then nods slightly.

"I think I understand now" he sais "let's start again!" They start another game but Serge doesn't play much better. Pascal and I however, point out the mistakes they both make, much like a tutoring game, and so the time passed without anyone noticing. It was almost ten when Karl noticed the time and he freaked out, to my amusement.

"So…I guess you won't be sleeping here tonight?" he asks a little sad.

"No" Serge responds "so Pascal can move in here if he wants" he obviously is trying to make the older boy feel better.

"You bet I will" the oldest boy sais "I'm tired of those little bastards crying around day and night" he continues to everyone's amusement.

Serge takes some of his things so we can leave for my room, then stops in front of the door to say goodnight to the older boys.

"Thanks Pascal, it's been fun playing chess. Let's do it again sometimes."

"I think you should better stick to playing piano, honestly" the other boy pouts "You're not much fun as an opponent in chess, if you know what I mean."

We go back to my room…our room now and get ready for the night.

Serge dresses in his night shirt and lays down on the bed next to mine, getting under the warm blanket but I don't move. I'm also dressed for the night…yes I'm dressed in a night shirt even to my own surprise, but I don't want to go to bed, not my own anyway. It feels like it's been such a long time since I felt Serge's warm embrace at night… I want to ask him to let me share the bed with him but I don't dare. We only shared a bed when I was upset and he was trying to comfort me, I don't know how he will react if I do it with no reason, so instead I just stand in the middle of the room staring at him.

"What's wrong?" he asks. Apparently he noticed me standing there, spacing out.

"Nothing" I say heading to my own bed. I don't dare to ask him after all….

"Come here" he sais to my surprise, making room for me in his bed. I never expected him to offer but I'm not about to refuse it, so I get under the blankets next to him, satisfied. I put my arms around his neck with more confidence than I had before and rest my head on his shoulder. I love this warm feeling and I don't want to lose it ever again. I don't want to lose him the same way I lost Augu, but then again Serge is not Augu. He has proved that countless times before, and I completely trust him now. That's right, I have no more doubts about Serge.

And with that warm feeling I drift away in the dream world.


End file.
